Monday, June 11
Me: It's, like, 8pm. All I've eaten today is a granola bar. I ought to at least eat something.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not hungry. It's not healthy to eat when you're not hungry.
Me: But eating nothing but a granola bar all day isn't a healthy thing to do either.
Anxiety Brain: You know that if you put in the effort of making real food, you'll get about two bites in and not be able to eat anymore. And that's kind of a waste of making real food if you're not really going to eat it fresh.
Me: True. These are the times I hate that my gag reflex kicks in when I attempt to eat when I'm not hungry. You know, the world really doesn't give enough credit to that fantastic physical trait being just as unhealthy as the ability to keep eating no matter how full you feel.
Anxiety Brain: So, you agree that it's a waste? No food tonight?
Me: How about a handful of chips. And then maybe that'll trigger the hunger that I should feel after eating so little all day, and I can eat real food after that.
Anxiety Brain: You're not hungry and you're going to eat junk. I mean, that's really not a healthy thing to do either.
Me: Still eating something.
Anxiety Brain: It doesn't count if it's junk.
Me: Yeah. I should eat real food.
Anxiety Brain: Find any real food that you think you could manage to swallow at this point?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: So we're not eating then?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome. And look on the bright side - this is how you manage to stay as tiny as most people generally see you to be.
Me: I really wish that didn't feel like as much of a bright side as it actually does.
Anxiety Brain: I win!
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Anxiety Brain: Remember last week when you said this was the day you were going to start contacting people about hanging out this summer? How's that going for you?
Me: Seeing as literally doing anything more than sitting on the couch playing phone games makes me feel like I'm starting to have a panic attack today, not well.
Anxiety Brain: You didn't send any messages, did you?
Me: Not so much.
Anxiety Brain: I mean that's smart. Better to keep up the delusion that people might actually want to spend time with you than take the risk and get rejected. Or ignored. Which one of those is worse by the way?
Me: Still deciding.
Anxiety Brain: Anyway, good for you doing what you need to to pretend like you have friends. I mean, people keeping an eye on you on Facebook is one thing, but actually having to be in the same room as you? Seriously, who wants that?
Me: I mean, there are at least a few that have said that they want to get together. And I did think of a logical reason to at least connect with a few more.
Anxiety Brain: But did you say anything to any of those people today?
Me: No...
Anxiety Brain: You're really doing a great job of setting the tone for the summer. Just you and me, right?
Me: Seeing as today was pretty much awful, I'd rather not.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, you don't have the courage to change it, might as well just give up now.
Me: I choose to blame today on the stress of having two interviews tomorrow. I'm going to get past that and then try again later in the week.
Anxiety Brain: You sure you don't just want to admit defeat now?
Me: Not yet. Still hoping it'll get better. Because social time over the weekend was what I needed. I just need to figure out how to get over the hump of asking to make plans. And then I can spend time with people and not you.
Anxiety Brain: But I get you for the next few days, right?
Me: Unfortunately. Only so much fighting energy in me these days.
Anxiety Brain: Cool, a few more days to convince you that you'd rather hang out with me.
Me: And later this week, I'll start fighting you on that again.
Tuesday, June 12
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that the interview wasn't at 8:15 instead of 8:50.
Me: I'm pretty sure. I mean, I listened carefully when I was talking with the principal on the phone.
Anxiety Brain: But you were only half awake. And the phone call was so short and went so fast. Are you sure you heard right?
Me: Pretty sure. Trying to convince myself that I'm sure.
Anxiety Brain: But that's your best shot at an open position in that district. It'd be pretty awful if you manage to screw it up.
Me: I'm sure I'll be fine. This is just you trying to freak me out before my interview.
Anxiety Brain: Is it working?
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: Great! Now, are you sure that second interview today isn't for a long-term sub position and not a permanent position?
Me: Only going to worry about one interview at a time.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on. You haven't had two interviews in a day since you graduated from college - and even then you were still naive and starry-eyed about the whole job search process. I never get an opportunity like this, and I'm going to make the most out of it. Now, are you sure... (keeps talking)
Me: I really hate job search season. And I hate it more once summer hits and I don't have teaching to distract me...
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Me: (Looks in mirror to fix wind-blown hair before heading into the building where my interview is)
Anxiety Brain: The left half of your face is super broken out.
Me: Ick! Didn't notice that before. Figures it'd happen on a day with two interviews.
Anxiety Brain: You should have worn make-up.
Me: I haven't worn make-up to an interview in a couple of years. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: You don't look professional.
Me: You know, if it's some sort of requirement that women have to wear make-up to look professional, I think that's dumb. I mean, who would have decided that anyway? The stupid patriarchy? I don't pull out the feminist soapbox very often, but seriously. Make-up should be a choice.
Anxiety Brain: Well have fun not getting hired then. Even if you think it's dumb, they're still going to judge you based on the societal rule that women have to wear make-up to look professional. Plus, given the demographics of this school, they'll expect you to look extra professional. No make-up, no job.
Me: I mean, if that makes the difference between me getting hired or not, is it really a school I'd want to work at?
Anxiety Brain: Enjoy feeling that level of picky and annoyed come August when you still don't have a job.
Me: I super hate spending double-interview days with you...
Wednesday, June 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that good news yesterday?
Me: Yep. Wish it had made you disappear for longer than it did, though.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it wasn't just a dream.
Me: Nope. Pretty sure it happened. I mean, I have my notes written down from the conversation, so I'm fairly certain it happened. Wish I had something more concrete though.
Anxiety Brain: Just to be sure, you probably shouldn't tell anyone until you have solid evidence that you didn't dream it.
Me: But it's kind of killing me inside to not say anything.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it feel way worse if you were wrong and then had to take it all back.
Me: Yeah. Times, like, a billion.
Anxiety Brain: And that's why you're not allowed to say anything.
Me: Compromise - It stays off Facebook, I tell people in person if it comes up.
Anxiety Brain: I'll take that for now. Pretty sure I'll convince you not to share in person by the time the topic comes up.
Me: Going to try really hard not to listen to you.
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Anxiety Brain: So, how's it going trying to find people who will hang out with you?
Me: Sent a few messages. Made a few plans. Schedule is filling up.
Anxiety Brain: Oh that's right. Earlier today I did a good job of freaking you out about your summer disappearing before it's even started.
Me: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, thanks for that, by the way.
Anxiety Brain: How about People T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z? How are those messages and plans coming?
Me: Yeah, about that...
Anxiety Brain: You still haven't done anything? Wow. That's pitiful. You should totally just give up now. Put yourself out of the misery of trying - I mean, you'll feel the misery of not getting to hang out with any of them, but that's really more your loss than theirs.
Me: Not giving up. Just give me about a dozen more mental drafts to figure out how to casually say "Hey, we should hang out!" without looking like a total creeper plus a random insane moment of courage, and it'll totally happen.
Anxiety Brain: Sure. You keep working on that. More fun for me that way anyway.
Me: You know, maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I should spread out social time with people over the course of the whole summer and not spend it all right away. Then again, maybe social time now means repeated social time with some people later on...
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I love it when you start questioning yourself. I'll save some energy for now.
(A few hours later)
Roommate: How's your night been?
Me: Anxiety Brain is kicking my butt.
Roommate: Why is Anxiety Brain kicking your butt?
Me: I want to hang out with people, but I'm too freaked out to send them a message saying something to the effect of, "Hey! We should hang out!"
Roommate: Want me to send the messages for you? I'll send them for you!
Me: This really isn't supposed to be this hard, is it? Anxiety Brain is just being stupid, right?
Roommate: Anxiety Brain is just being stupid.
Me: I hate this. This should be normal and easy, and I'm well aware of that, but it's frustrating because I can't frickin' get over the hump and just do it.
Roommate: Let me know if you want me to write the messages for you! (Leaves Room)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, want to hear all the reasons you should feel terrible about yourself for not being able to do something that normal adults find to be easy?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, how awful would it be if you were so helpless that your roommate had to help you initiate social contact with people that they don't even know.
Me: And that's why I'll be working to take on that task myself. It was a nice offer, though.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, yeah. Ready for me to you about all the reasons you shouldn't keep trying to beat me on this one because people like you better online than they do in person anyway, and you should stick with the non-scary communication
Me: Okay, 1) Just as totally terrifying. Every. Single. Time. 2) One of these days, I'm going to manage an insane moment of bravery, and it will almost certainly turn out in my favor, and you'll have to pick a new battle
Anxiety Brain: Fine. You didn't say that the insane moment of bravery had to come soon. It'll be too late for you to win by the time that moment comes around.
Me: Nope. It's coming soon. I'm going to force it to come soon. Probably not tonight because I'm all out of fighting energy. But definitely soon. Hopefully in the next few days.
Anxiety Brain: You just keep telling yourself that.
Me: Oh, I will. Generally repeated hopeful messages mean that I win and you lose.
Anxiety Brain: Or you'll just feel worse when you still fail.
Me: Nope. Totally going to win this one. This one is too important for me to fail, especially to fail by way of not trying. Don't know how to speed up the stupid, drawn-out time table that I seem to be on, but I'm going to. This one is way too important.
Thursday, June 14
Me: And, done!
Anxiety Brain: With what?
Me: Sending a bunch of those messages that I've been procrastinating.
Anxiety Brain: But I've spent the last couple of hours telling you not to. And you were definitely paying attention. How did you manage to actually get them sent?
Me: Because in between listening to you, I actually started typing. And then I hit "send." You know what's nice about hitting send? Once I hit it, I can't take it back, so I have to stop freaking out about what I'm writing. I feel so much better now that I'm not worrying about what to write.
Anxiety Brain: Okay.
Me: And you aren't fighting back. This is a super huge triumph!
Anxiety Brain: ...And 3, 2, 1-
Me: Crap. I shouldn't have hit "send." I screwed all those up. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I shouldn't have sent anything at all? What if...
Anxiety Brain: Yep. That's more like it.
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Anxiety Brain: Wow, that's a lot of electronic conversations going on at once!
Me: Yeah! It's very unlike me. I'm a little proud of myself. Especially since most of these are ones you've been convincing me I shouldn't have.
Anxiety Brain: Aren't you worried you're going to get them mixed up?
Me: I'm attentive to detail. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be awful if you sent the wrong thing to the wrong person?
Me: Maybe I should just double check this one again.
Anxiety Brain: Or maybe more like 10 times.
Me: Because that wouldn't be at all over-intense
Anxiety Brain: But you're still going to check at least 10 times, aren't you?
Me: Yeah, well, I might be a little over-intense.
Friday, June 15
Me: Oh, I could post about this!
Anxiety Brain: That's boring and mundane. No one cares.
Me: Or I could post about the art-therapy-type project I started today.
Anxiety Brain: The one that looks like an elementary school art project? Are you sure? 'Cause they're just going to judge you for that one.
Me: Or I could post-
Anxiety Brain: Just stop. No one cares. Keep it to yourself.
Me: I need social interaction. And there's no one here to interact with. And in-person stuff is scheduled (or in the process of being scheduled). And I have yet to figure out which of my friends are actually good at having full conversations via text or Facebook message. And I need social contact. So Facebook post it is.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be better to feel lonely and stuck with me than to post something that's going to lose you friends.
Me: But I need social contact!
Anxiety Brain: It's going to blow up in your face.
Me: Yeah, you're probably right.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you won't post anything.
Me: Yep. Not going to post anything.
Anxiety Brain: That means I get you to myself tonight!
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: I love when I win!
Saturday, June 16
Me: You know what solves the whole I-don't-have-anything-to-post-about-dilemma? Lynx games. In particular, Lynx games like this one where the team looks like themselves for the first time since Finals Game 5 last year.
Anxiety Brain: But are you really going to get much traffic off of that? Particularly by the people you typically interact with on Facebook?
Me: Probably not, but I might get traffic of people I don't always interact with, which is also worthwhile. And at least it's something. Also, really, people who aren't at this game need to turn on the TV and watch it; this is an enjoyable one to watch. Also that sequence of plays from the end of the 1st Quarter needs to be shared with the world.
Anxiety Brain: Fine. No one will care, and you'll go back to not posting things anyway.
(A while later)
Me: Huh.
Anxiety Brain: What.
Me: I got responses from both categories of people we discussed earlier.
Anxiety Brain: Seriously?
Me: Yep. Pretty great, isn't it?
Anxiety Brain: Great really isn't the word I'd use.
Me: It's so much nicer being on the winning side of a conversation like this.
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