Sunday, May 20
Anxiety Brain: So you're actually going to post this?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: I'm pretty sure you're the only one who finds these conversations humorous. I, for one, think that they simply highlight how pathetic you are.
Me: Well, I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, if you haven't lost friends yet, this is definitely going to be what does you in.
Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see
Anxiety Brain: No one's going to read it.
Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Anxiety Brain: Is that all you have to say today?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You still feel anxious!
Me: But I'm not letting you rule my life! Which means I win. Even if I do manage to make a fool of myself in the process
Anxiety Brain: See, you're still anxious!
Me: Yeah, yeah. What else is new?
----------
Anxiety Brain: Shoot! Person V wasn't actually supposed to read that.
Me: Yeah, you tend to be kind of screwed when they show up.
Anxiety Brain: But will they keep showing up?
Me: Were you paying attention at all?
Anxiety Brain: Just for that I'm going to fog up your brain so you don't know what to say in response.
Me: Sleep usually helps brain fog. At least a little bit.
Anxiety Brain: I'm also going to pull out all sorts of memories of past embarrassments for you to feel sick about.
Me: You totally suck.
Anxiety Brain: You totally asked for it!
Me: Well, even if I have to spent the rest of the day remembering past embarrassing moments, it was still so totally worth it. Now, if you don't mind, I have a few quotes to go add to my words of encouragement notebook.
Monday, May 21
Anxiety Brain: You know that response you got yesterday that means the world to you? I really think that you should re-think-
Me: Nope. You don't get to win this one.
Anxiety Brain: But-
Me: NO! You DON'T get to win this one.
Anxiety Brain: You really ought to listen-
Me: You. Absolutely. Do. Not. Get. To. Win. This. One.
Anxiety Brain: I'm still going to question it. And make you feel nauseous about it all day.
Me: Fine. But you still don't get to win. I don't care how long or hard I have to fight it. This one is too important to let you twist it into a weapon against me.
Anxiety Brain: Did you really put it somewhere where you could see it consistently? I mean, that just seems a little overdone.
Me: The fact that you're still arguing this is why I put it there. Because reminders are helpful when you refuse to shut up.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not going to give up.
Me: Well, thanks to that particular response, neither am I.
Tuesday, May 22
Anxiety Brain: Your computer had issues during your Google Hangouts PLC meeting again?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Really? Two weeks in a row?
Me: Annoying, isn't it.
Anxiety Brain: Except you didn't want to show up anyway.
Me: Well that's true. Two weeks of dodging condescension from that one teacher is a nice break, especially because we're now done meeting for the year.
Anxiety Brain: And that's why no one is going to believe that you had computer issues two weeks in a row.
Me: But I did!
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. No one will believe you. You're going to get in trouble!
Me: I hate that I really don't have a way to fight that argument.
Anxiety Brain: I win!
Me: Yep...
----------
Anxiety Brain: That dress is too short to wear to school.
Me: And that's why there are leggings under it.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Still too short.
Me: Plenty of other teachers wear just a long top with their leggings, and this dress is definitely longer than that.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, well the administrators actually like them. You, on the other hand, couldn't even get an interview. You're going to get written up. And then you're really not going to get hired anywhere next year.
(After arriving at school)
Me: See, that teacher is wearing a shorter sweater with leggings, and no one has a problem with it!
Anxiety Brain: You're still going to get in trouble.
Me: (Spends the rest of the school day hoping that no one says anything about my shorter-dress-and-leggings outfit)
----------
Anxiety Brain: You seem really antsy. And nauseous.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You're up to, what, like, half a dozen people you owe responses to now?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Wait, some of those are people you actually want to respond to, aren't they?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: They're going to think you're totally flaky.
Me:Quite possibly.
Anxiety Brain: You still don't know what to say in response, do you?
Me: And therein lies the problem.
Anxiety Brain: You know what's really good for clarity of thought? Panic attacks.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come in, it's been almost a week. Aren't we way past due?
Me: (tries to ignore Anxiety Brain and pays attention to the dog instead) Hey, puppy dog! Come up on the couch! It's okay! I need a snuggle buddy.
Anxiety Brain: You know he's not supposed to be up there.
Me: I put a blanket up!
Anxiety Brain: Your roommates are going to get mad when they get home.
Me: You know how much I care after dealing with you all day? 0 much. I care 0 much.
Anxiety Brain: Then why are you still on the edge of having a panic attack despite snuggling with the dog?
Me: I hate you so much right now...
Anxiety Brain: I win!
Me: But guess what?
Anxiety Brain: What?
Me: My friends aren't going to ditch me.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, shut up!
Me: And that's why the words of encouragement got put somewhere that I generally see them on at least an hourly basis.
Wednesday, May 23
Anxiety Brain: You did this last week, too.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: For all the same reasons
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: That's pretty pitiful.
Me: Didn't need to to tell me that. I'm doing a good job of feeling that one all on my own.
Anxiety Brain: But isn't it so much more helpful to hear it from me, too?
Me: Helpful really isn't the word I'd use.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I think I'm helpful, though. Which is why I also think that, given that you start teaching in about 2 minutes, now would be a really good time to have that good cry you've been holding in.
Me: (Gets really antsy) Just going to focus on breathing, now.
Thursday, May 24
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you're allowed to wear shorts today?
Me: They're making me stand outside in 90+ degree weather all day for Track & Field Day. I vote it's okay if I wear shorts.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to get in trouble.
(After I get to school)
Me: Hey, look! That teacher's wearing shorts. See, I'm fine.
Anxiety Brain: Well, male teachers can get away with it.
Me: What about that teacher? She's wearing shorts that don't even pass the fingertip rule.
Anxiety Brain: Well, fine. Just don't roll up your sleeves if you get too hot because that will definitely get you into trouble.
Me: And that other teacher already has her sleeves rolled up.
Anxiety Brain: Darn it! Other people aren't supposed to prove me wrong...
----------
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to publish that post?
Me: But I like this one.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure, though?
Me: I'm never sure. But you're not going to be the one to stop me.
Anxiety Brain: One of these days, you're going to push too far with all your writing, and people are going to ditch you.
Me: Hasn't happened yet.
Anxiety Brain: But it's going to!
Me: You're still not stopping me!
(A few hours later)
Me: See, People L & M read it and liked it.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure People L & M aren't just pandering to your ridiculous need for attention at this point?
Me: I wish I didn't half believe you... (sees new notification) Oh my gosh, Person N read my post! I didn't realize that I was even on Person N's radar! I can't believe that Person N read my post! See, this is why I keep writing and posting.
Anxiety Brain: Well, that wasn't supposed to happen...
Friday, May 25
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure your friendship with Person Q is still a strong one?
Me: Pretty confident, yeah. Between teaching and mental health struggles, Person Q and I have a lot in common, more than I have with most friends
Anxiety Brain: But you didn't know how to carry on a conversation most of the time that you were there.
Me: Pretty sure that had more to do with the fact that I'm too exhausted to think straight than anything else
Anxiety Brain: You were too quiet and awkward. I don't think you have enough in common anymore.
Me: Um, Person Q and I both understand the value of therapeutic visits to the Humane Society to play with the puppies and kitties. Very few people understand that. I think our friendship is fine.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure? I still think-
Me: Nope. Done. Going to go find something to distract the rest of my brain so I don't have to listen to you anymore.
Saturday, May 26
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to make last-minute plans with Friend J?
Me: It's not totally last minute. That's why I said we should get together tomorrow or Monday instead of today. And I was hoping to not spend the entire weekend alone, so this is perfect.
Anxiety Brain: But that really screws up your weekend plans. I'm not sure it's such a good idea.
Me: My plans for laundry and a bike ride and movie-watching? Those can be shuffled around.
Anxiety Brain: But you know you'd be less stressed if you didn't shuffle them around.
Me: Well, the goal is to someday not be so stressed about making last-minute changes to plans, and this is a reasonable time to force myself to at least try.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't you like to spend the rest of the weekend with just me?
Me: And wanting to avoid spending more time with you than necessary is exactly the reason I'm going to say "yes" to get together with Friend J tomorrow.
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
Week(ish) 1: May 10-19, 2018
Thursday, May 10
Anxiety Brain: You know those people you were looking forward to seeing tonight?
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, so I noticed you had a hard time catching up with them. I don't think they really wanted to talk with you.
Me: Well, Person A had a long commute home, so I'm sure they dashed out as soon as they could, as per usual. Person B is the epitome of an extrovert and literally can't sit still in a room full of people. And if the rest of them felt any bit as exhausted as I did before I even arrived, I don't blame them for heading out on the early side.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Pretty sure they're just sick of you hanging around. They think you're a clingy creeper.
Me: But they've been super welcoming lately, and super supportive after they found out that I have an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, but they're sick of you now. And that blog post you stayed up super late working on and then posted today about needing better mental health awareness, particularly in schools, was definitely the nail in the coffin.
Me: You know, I had a really solid, long conversation with People C & D. Also, Person Z from that group, who wasn't able to make it tonight, said "Good job" on the blog post.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. Everyone else hates you. You should just give up now.
Me: (Out of ammo, feeling sick to my stomach and trying not to burst into tears, posts vague reference to the conversation with Anxiety Brain on Facebook, hoping that it might recruit some reinforcements)
(A couple of hours pass)
Person B (via Facebook Comment): It was so good to see you tonight!
Me: Thank God for Person B
Anxiety Brain: Damn you, Person B
Sunday, May 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that crazy dream you had last night?
Me: That was a weird one - a gathering of people that are all in my various social circles but don't know each other all gathered in one place for a celebration at someone's house that had nothing to do with me other than my presence there? And seriously - perfectly synchronized choreography to music by a bunch of people that are complete strangers in real life? How bizarre with that? I suddenly understand the people who can't buy in to musical theater...
Anxiety Brain: Who cares about that part?! Did you notice how totally socially uncomfortable you felt the whole time? That part where you tried to leave the gathering early - you shouldn't have decided to go back. I mean, once you returned you found out that they couldn't even remember where they'd planned to have you sit for dinner. And when they remembered where they'd put your spot, you weren't near any of the people that you're actually comfortable being around.
Me: I guess I hadn't really noticed that before, but-
Anxiety Brain: And did you notice that when you actually had a chance to try to talk to the people that you really wanted to see, they were always already busy talking with someone else, and you never got to talk to any of them the entire time?
Me: Yeah, that part kind of sucked. And explains why I spent most of the dream and the time after I woke up with a pit in my stomach. But at least it was just a dream and not real life - weird things like that happen in dreams all the time.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, actually, you realize that the social gathering in your dream is basically just a metaphor for what your summer is going to be, right? All of the people you want to connect with are going to be busy spending time with people that they've known longer and like better, and you're going to get left on the outside looking in (as a total Facebook stalker, no less), feeling completely forgotten and alone. You probably shouldn't even try to reach out to them to get together in order to avoid the inevitable embarrassing rejection that awaits. And if you don't intrude on their lives by asking them to spend time with you, maybe they'll still be willing to talk with you for, like, 30 seconds the next time you run into them at a social gathering that someone else plans.
Me: (Bursts into tears and literally can't stop crying)
Anxiety Brain: Well, if you're going to be like that, you should go close yourself in your bedroom all day because your roommates are in the kitchen, and you're making them feel super awkward
Me: Honestly, I don't think they've noticed.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. This room now feels awkward, and it's 100% your fault, so you should definitely leave now.
Me: It's going to be a long day isn't it...
----------
Anxiety Brain: I noticed that almost no one responded to your Facebook posts today.
Me: Well, it's Mother's Day, so most people are off celebrating with their families.
Anxiety Brain: About that - everybody thinks you're ridiculous for not gushing about your mom on Facebook today.
Me: Well, 1) I usually prefer texts and phone calls to public Facebook declarations about people, 2) I did actually post something about my mom for Mother's Day today, which I pretty much never do, and 3) I don't do holidays well, and that's why I celebrated gradually through the week last week with my mom instead of putting all the pressure on today.
Anxiety Brain: Mother's Day isn't about what you want. You're so selfish. No wonder no one likes you anymore.
Me: (Spends rest of day playing phone games to keep from spiraling into an anxiety black hole, feeling too embarrassed and bothersome to call in reinforcements)
Monday, May 14
(Razor falls in shower in the midst of my roommates' shower stuff)
Me: Gross, now it's full of roommate germs. I can't wait 'til I can afford to move out and not have to share a shower with other people anymore
Anxiety Brain: Except you're so dysfunctional that no one is going to want to hire you, so you won't be able to move out unless you move in with your parents, and you'll be stuck in undesirable living situations forever
Me: (Goes from 0 to panic attack in 2 seconds flat)
----------
Me: Okay, I think I've got a good post idea for today in honor of Mental Health Month that both promotes awareness while also giving some constructive advice about breaking stigma
Anxiety Brain: Seriously? I know it's not even halfway through the month, but everyone is so sick of your mental health soapbox. If you keep this up, you're not going to have any friends by the end of the month. And the new ones you've connected with in the last few years are definitely going to ditch you
Me: (trying to shut out anxiety brain) Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma... (finally posts)
(Later that night)
Anxiety Brain: No one is going to like you if you keep this up.
Me: But I have a number of "likes" and even some "loves". Including People X & Y who are super important, super valued members of my support system that I didn't meet until adulthood.
Anxiety Brain: What about Person W?
Me: Not listening. People X & Y are enough for today.
Anxiety Brain: You were so much more defeatable when you were getting ready this morning. What happened?
Me: People X & Y happened. People X & Y so totally rock.
Tuesday, May 15
Anxiety Brain: I noticed you feel anxious today
Me: Yeah, kind of one of those pit-in-my-stomach-for-no-reason type of days
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I could totally give you reasons. First, in that application you're working on that has a bunch of essay questions about cultural competency, you're totally going to come off as a racist; and if you try to talk your answers through with your friend who works in that district, she's just going to be mad that you haven't submitted your application yet. Also, that new blog you decided to start last night that's all about me? I mean I'm flattered and all because we both know that I'm totally awesome, but because you're in it too, no one's going to read it - especially because it's already 10AM and you don't have anything to write yet today. Plus you have to go to that school today, the one that didn't hire you full time for next year - and, P.S. you have your last informal observation today and your lesson plan is crap, so good lucky with that. Then-
Me: On the bright side, I have a conversation with you to write about now.
Anxiety Brain: You still feel anxious, though!
Me: But when I get the chance later today, I'm going to write all this down and laugh about it!
Anxiety Brain: Well, that didn't really go as planned...
----------
Me: Hey, Anxiety Brain.
Anxiety Brain: What do you want?
Me: Remember last week when I found out I didn't even get an interview for the full time job at my one school because the principal decided to only interview external candidates because it was really important to find someone who would work well with the rest of the staff, and then I started questioning all the professional relationships I've built this year, and you convinced me that everyone at that school actually hates me?
Anxiety Brain: Yeah. That was a really good day. I'm really glad you remember that day.
Me: Well, my office mates just profusely apologized for leaving stuff on and around my desk and helped move it - which I wasn't even bothered by the stuff because that room has no storage space, and when they're working with student small groups at the tables, my desk is the only empty place to put stuff, and I'm only there two afternoons a week anyway, so it's really a non-issue for me - but, anyway, they made a big deal out of making sure I knew that they didn't intentionally pile stuff there because it was my spot. And then they said "We really like having you here!" See, they don't hate me. They want to have me around.
Anxiety Brain: But that was one of the judgy, gossipy ones, right.
Me: Yeah, but I've heard fake, judgy, gossipy voice, and that wasn't it. That was genuine. So there.
Anxiety Brain: (Speechless)
Me: Also, remember how the last few days people who have been liking and commenting on my Facebook posts haven't been interacting with my posts as much, and you told me they were sick of me?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah. Smart people, those ones. Ditching you and your obnoxious over-sharing on social media.
Me: Except today, numerous likes and comments, including on all the extra non-planned Mental Health Month ones. They don't hate me. They're not ditching me. They just, you know, actually had lives the past few days. Which I get because sometimes I have a life too, and I miss stuff that gets posted online. Just not this week. And that's okay. And, in case you missed it the first time, they didn't ditch me. So there.
Anxiety Brain: Well, there's a whole week's worth of work down the drain.
Me: Today is a good day.
Wednesday, May 16
Me: Why do I feel anxious? I've felt anxious since I got to school today, and I seriously don't know why. I hate feeling anxious when I don't know why.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on, you know why you're anxious.
Me: Damn it, I do know why I'm anxious.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not even willing to write it down, much less say it out loud, because you're so embarrassed by the reason.
Me: And you are 2 for 2 this evening.
Anxiety Brain: I love being right.
Me: Well, I won the last two days, but you're totally going to kick my butt today, aren't you?
Anxiety Brain: Yep, sans unrequested reinforcements showing up, and you and I both know that the odds aren't looking good on that one right now.
Me: Yeah. That's unfortunate.
(Literally a few minutes later)
Me: Hey, guess what?
Anxiety Brain: This can't be good.
Me: Unrequested reinforcements just showed up
Anxiety Brain: I was so close to winning today...
(About 10 minutes later)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, you're anxious again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Because you know how pathetic it is that you consider those reinforcements quality reinforcements
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: And you figure the people you credit as being reinforcements would look down on you if they knew that those tiny actions were what you were depending on as reinforcements against me.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: I'm still going to win today, aren't I?
Me: Looks that way.
Anxiety Brain: You're not even going to fight back anymore?
Me: I'm kind of too exhausted to fight back at this point.
Anxiety Brain: Well that's no fun.
Me: At least the reinforcements haven't ditched me yet?
Anxiety Brain: I'll give you that one. You're having a rough day.
Thursday, May 17
Me: So you know how you've spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that Friend S is going to ditch me?
Anxiety Brain: So they finally did, did they?
Me: Nope. Haven't ditched me. And rational brain has collected enough evidence today to make me believe that they're not going to
Anxiety Brain: You're still too afraid to start a conversation with them. Or ever initiate making plans.
Me: So I've got work to do. In the meantime, they haven't ditched me yet. And for today, that brings me a sense of calm.
Anxiety Brain: You're pretty pathetic. And so is rational brain's evidence.
Me: Yeah, well, Friend S hasn't ditched me yet, so I can't be all that bad.
Anxiety Brain: But if Friend S really knew-
Me: Nope. They haven't ditched me yet, so today I am at peace.
Saturday, May 19
Anxiety Brain: The Kindergarten teachers and full-time music teacher are arguing about the music for the Kindergarten program again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: And you're the music teacher who can make it to the program, so you're going to get stuck in the middle.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: You should probably spend the rest of the weekend worrying about it.
Me: Nope. This is an adulting-free weekend, and today is Friend M day, and I will worry about all the tension and disagreements again on Monday.
Anxiety Brain: But it would be so much more productive to spend the weekend worrying about it.
Me: I'm not listening to you!
Anxiety Brain: You know those people you were looking forward to seeing tonight?
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, so I noticed you had a hard time catching up with them. I don't think they really wanted to talk with you.
Me: Well, Person A had a long commute home, so I'm sure they dashed out as soon as they could, as per usual. Person B is the epitome of an extrovert and literally can't sit still in a room full of people. And if the rest of them felt any bit as exhausted as I did before I even arrived, I don't blame them for heading out on the early side.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Pretty sure they're just sick of you hanging around. They think you're a clingy creeper.
Me: But they've been super welcoming lately, and super supportive after they found out that I have an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, but they're sick of you now. And that blog post you stayed up super late working on and then posted today about needing better mental health awareness, particularly in schools, was definitely the nail in the coffin.
Me: You know, I had a really solid, long conversation with People C & D. Also, Person Z from that group, who wasn't able to make it tonight, said "Good job" on the blog post.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. Everyone else hates you. You should just give up now.
Me: (Out of ammo, feeling sick to my stomach and trying not to burst into tears, posts vague reference to the conversation with Anxiety Brain on Facebook, hoping that it might recruit some reinforcements)
(A couple of hours pass)
Person B (via Facebook Comment): It was so good to see you tonight!
Me: Thank God for Person B
Anxiety Brain: Damn you, Person B
Sunday, May 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that crazy dream you had last night?
Me: That was a weird one - a gathering of people that are all in my various social circles but don't know each other all gathered in one place for a celebration at someone's house that had nothing to do with me other than my presence there? And seriously - perfectly synchronized choreography to music by a bunch of people that are complete strangers in real life? How bizarre with that? I suddenly understand the people who can't buy in to musical theater...
Anxiety Brain: Who cares about that part?! Did you notice how totally socially uncomfortable you felt the whole time? That part where you tried to leave the gathering early - you shouldn't have decided to go back. I mean, once you returned you found out that they couldn't even remember where they'd planned to have you sit for dinner. And when they remembered where they'd put your spot, you weren't near any of the people that you're actually comfortable being around.
Me: I guess I hadn't really noticed that before, but-
Anxiety Brain: And did you notice that when you actually had a chance to try to talk to the people that you really wanted to see, they were always already busy talking with someone else, and you never got to talk to any of them the entire time?
Me: Yeah, that part kind of sucked. And explains why I spent most of the dream and the time after I woke up with a pit in my stomach. But at least it was just a dream and not real life - weird things like that happen in dreams all the time.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, actually, you realize that the social gathering in your dream is basically just a metaphor for what your summer is going to be, right? All of the people you want to connect with are going to be busy spending time with people that they've known longer and like better, and you're going to get left on the outside looking in (as a total Facebook stalker, no less), feeling completely forgotten and alone. You probably shouldn't even try to reach out to them to get together in order to avoid the inevitable embarrassing rejection that awaits. And if you don't intrude on their lives by asking them to spend time with you, maybe they'll still be willing to talk with you for, like, 30 seconds the next time you run into them at a social gathering that someone else plans.
Me: (Bursts into tears and literally can't stop crying)
Anxiety Brain: Well, if you're going to be like that, you should go close yourself in your bedroom all day because your roommates are in the kitchen, and you're making them feel super awkward
Me: Honestly, I don't think they've noticed.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. This room now feels awkward, and it's 100% your fault, so you should definitely leave now.
Me: It's going to be a long day isn't it...
----------
Anxiety Brain: I noticed that almost no one responded to your Facebook posts today.
Me: Well, it's Mother's Day, so most people are off celebrating with their families.
Anxiety Brain: About that - everybody thinks you're ridiculous for not gushing about your mom on Facebook today.
Me: Well, 1) I usually prefer texts and phone calls to public Facebook declarations about people, 2) I did actually post something about my mom for Mother's Day today, which I pretty much never do, and 3) I don't do holidays well, and that's why I celebrated gradually through the week last week with my mom instead of putting all the pressure on today.
Anxiety Brain: Mother's Day isn't about what you want. You're so selfish. No wonder no one likes you anymore.
Me: (Spends rest of day playing phone games to keep from spiraling into an anxiety black hole, feeling too embarrassed and bothersome to call in reinforcements)
Monday, May 14
(Razor falls in shower in the midst of my roommates' shower stuff)
Me: Gross, now it's full of roommate germs. I can't wait 'til I can afford to move out and not have to share a shower with other people anymore
Anxiety Brain: Except you're so dysfunctional that no one is going to want to hire you, so you won't be able to move out unless you move in with your parents, and you'll be stuck in undesirable living situations forever
Me: (Goes from 0 to panic attack in 2 seconds flat)
----------
Me: Okay, I think I've got a good post idea for today in honor of Mental Health Month that both promotes awareness while also giving some constructive advice about breaking stigma
Anxiety Brain: Seriously? I know it's not even halfway through the month, but everyone is so sick of your mental health soapbox. If you keep this up, you're not going to have any friends by the end of the month. And the new ones you've connected with in the last few years are definitely going to ditch you
Me: (trying to shut out anxiety brain) Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma... (finally posts)
(Later that night)
Anxiety Brain: No one is going to like you if you keep this up.
Me: But I have a number of "likes" and even some "loves". Including People X & Y who are super important, super valued members of my support system that I didn't meet until adulthood.
Anxiety Brain: What about Person W?
Me: Not listening. People X & Y are enough for today.
Anxiety Brain: You were so much more defeatable when you were getting ready this morning. What happened?
Me: People X & Y happened. People X & Y so totally rock.
Tuesday, May 15
Anxiety Brain: I noticed you feel anxious today
Me: Yeah, kind of one of those pit-in-my-stomach-for-no-reason type of days
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I could totally give you reasons. First, in that application you're working on that has a bunch of essay questions about cultural competency, you're totally going to come off as a racist; and if you try to talk your answers through with your friend who works in that district, she's just going to be mad that you haven't submitted your application yet. Also, that new blog you decided to start last night that's all about me? I mean I'm flattered and all because we both know that I'm totally awesome, but because you're in it too, no one's going to read it - especially because it's already 10AM and you don't have anything to write yet today. Plus you have to go to that school today, the one that didn't hire you full time for next year - and, P.S. you have your last informal observation today and your lesson plan is crap, so good lucky with that. Then-
Me: On the bright side, I have a conversation with you to write about now.
Anxiety Brain: You still feel anxious, though!
Me: But when I get the chance later today, I'm going to write all this down and laugh about it!
Anxiety Brain: Well, that didn't really go as planned...
----------
Me: Hey, Anxiety Brain.
Anxiety Brain: What do you want?
Me: Remember last week when I found out I didn't even get an interview for the full time job at my one school because the principal decided to only interview external candidates because it was really important to find someone who would work well with the rest of the staff, and then I started questioning all the professional relationships I've built this year, and you convinced me that everyone at that school actually hates me?
Anxiety Brain: Yeah. That was a really good day. I'm really glad you remember that day.
Me: Well, my office mates just profusely apologized for leaving stuff on and around my desk and helped move it - which I wasn't even bothered by the stuff because that room has no storage space, and when they're working with student small groups at the tables, my desk is the only empty place to put stuff, and I'm only there two afternoons a week anyway, so it's really a non-issue for me - but, anyway, they made a big deal out of making sure I knew that they didn't intentionally pile stuff there because it was my spot. And then they said "We really like having you here!" See, they don't hate me. They want to have me around.
Anxiety Brain: But that was one of the judgy, gossipy ones, right.
Me: Yeah, but I've heard fake, judgy, gossipy voice, and that wasn't it. That was genuine. So there.
Anxiety Brain: (Speechless)
Me: Also, remember how the last few days people who have been liking and commenting on my Facebook posts haven't been interacting with my posts as much, and you told me they were sick of me?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah. Smart people, those ones. Ditching you and your obnoxious over-sharing on social media.
Me: Except today, numerous likes and comments, including on all the extra non-planned Mental Health Month ones. They don't hate me. They're not ditching me. They just, you know, actually had lives the past few days. Which I get because sometimes I have a life too, and I miss stuff that gets posted online. Just not this week. And that's okay. And, in case you missed it the first time, they didn't ditch me. So there.
Anxiety Brain: Well, there's a whole week's worth of work down the drain.
Me: Today is a good day.
Wednesday, May 16
Me: Why do I feel anxious? I've felt anxious since I got to school today, and I seriously don't know why. I hate feeling anxious when I don't know why.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on, you know why you're anxious.
Me: Damn it, I do know why I'm anxious.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not even willing to write it down, much less say it out loud, because you're so embarrassed by the reason.
Me: And you are 2 for 2 this evening.
Anxiety Brain: I love being right.
Me: Well, I won the last two days, but you're totally going to kick my butt today, aren't you?
Anxiety Brain: Yep, sans unrequested reinforcements showing up, and you and I both know that the odds aren't looking good on that one right now.
Me: Yeah. That's unfortunate.
(Literally a few minutes later)
Me: Hey, guess what?
Anxiety Brain: This can't be good.
Me: Unrequested reinforcements just showed up
Anxiety Brain: I was so close to winning today...
(About 10 minutes later)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, you're anxious again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Because you know how pathetic it is that you consider those reinforcements quality reinforcements
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: And you figure the people you credit as being reinforcements would look down on you if they knew that those tiny actions were what you were depending on as reinforcements against me.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: I'm still going to win today, aren't I?
Me: Looks that way.
Anxiety Brain: You're not even going to fight back anymore?
Me: I'm kind of too exhausted to fight back at this point.
Anxiety Brain: Well that's no fun.
Me: At least the reinforcements haven't ditched me yet?
Anxiety Brain: I'll give you that one. You're having a rough day.
Thursday, May 17
Me: So you know how you've spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that Friend S is going to ditch me?
Anxiety Brain: So they finally did, did they?
Me: Nope. Haven't ditched me. And rational brain has collected enough evidence today to make me believe that they're not going to
Anxiety Brain: You're still too afraid to start a conversation with them. Or ever initiate making plans.
Me: So I've got work to do. In the meantime, they haven't ditched me yet. And for today, that brings me a sense of calm.
Anxiety Brain: You're pretty pathetic. And so is rational brain's evidence.
Me: Yeah, well, Friend S hasn't ditched me yet, so I can't be all that bad.
Anxiety Brain: But if Friend S really knew-
Me: Nope. They haven't ditched me yet, so today I am at peace.
Saturday, May 19
Anxiety Brain: The Kindergarten teachers and full-time music teacher are arguing about the music for the Kindergarten program again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: And you're the music teacher who can make it to the program, so you're going to get stuck in the middle.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: You should probably spend the rest of the weekend worrying about it.
Me: Nope. This is an adulting-free weekend, and today is Friend M day, and I will worry about all the tension and disagreements again on Monday.
Anxiety Brain: But it would be so much more productive to spend the weekend worrying about it.
Me: I'm not listening to you!
An Introduction
I have Social Anxiety Disorder, occasionally accompanied by periods of depression in the midst of particularly bad anxiety stretches. Anxiety is not all of me, but it is part of my everyday. It took me a long time, but I've finally managed to sort out what thoughts floating in my head come from the side of me I like to call "Anxiety Brain" - the part of my brain that Social Anxiety Disorder uses to try to control how I view myself, the world, and how I react to those things (or, I can identify it with at least a 75% accuracy rate, most days anyway). Each day is a battle between Anxiety Brain and the rest of me - the rational, the competent, the confident. Some days I win, and some days Anxiety Brain kicks my butt, but the battle rages on no matter what.
It's an internal battle, so people don't usually see the daily fight. This makes it hard for people who don't have an anxiety disorder to understand the battle scars I carry. It also makes it hard for people who do have anxiety disorders to see what's going on under the surface even when I appear calm and put-together on the outside. It's one of my lifelong goals to make mental health disorders more visible in order to break the stigma surrounding them and make it less scary for those of us fighting these battles to get help, both from medical professionals and from the friends and families around us. I spend a lot of time writing about what it's like to live with and try to manage an anxiety disorder in hopes of eliminating the silence that perpetuates stigma.
Recently, I discovered that it's cathartic to write down the conversations I have with anxiety brain. You see, most of these conversations sound ridiculous when you look at them from the view of an outsider. Actually, they're pretty laughable even from inside my brain. It's frustrating realizing that your constant anxieties are absurd and not being able to shake the feelings of worry, stress, and defeat (not to mention nausea, shakiness, panic attacks, and general antsy-ness) that result from a battle you know is completely irrational. Writing it down and seeing the hilarity that results from being an outsider looking in eases some of that frustration, and I wanted to share that feeling. So if you're lucky enough to not live life trying to manage an anxiety disorder, I hope this blog helps give you some insight to the battles I fight with Anxiety Brain each day in order to understand a little bit more how to help support me and others like me. And if you, like me, are fighting a brain that keeps you in a near-constant state of fight-or-flight, I hope that you discover that you are not alone in this real but nuisance of a battle. And either way, I hope that you can laugh along with me at the ridiculousness of Anxiety Brain's lies and the things I have to say to try to fight it.
It's an internal battle, so people don't usually see the daily fight. This makes it hard for people who don't have an anxiety disorder to understand the battle scars I carry. It also makes it hard for people who do have anxiety disorders to see what's going on under the surface even when I appear calm and put-together on the outside. It's one of my lifelong goals to make mental health disorders more visible in order to break the stigma surrounding them and make it less scary for those of us fighting these battles to get help, both from medical professionals and from the friends and families around us. I spend a lot of time writing about what it's like to live with and try to manage an anxiety disorder in hopes of eliminating the silence that perpetuates stigma.
Recently, I discovered that it's cathartic to write down the conversations I have with anxiety brain. You see, most of these conversations sound ridiculous when you look at them from the view of an outsider. Actually, they're pretty laughable even from inside my brain. It's frustrating realizing that your constant anxieties are absurd and not being able to shake the feelings of worry, stress, and defeat (not to mention nausea, shakiness, panic attacks, and general antsy-ness) that result from a battle you know is completely irrational. Writing it down and seeing the hilarity that results from being an outsider looking in eases some of that frustration, and I wanted to share that feeling. So if you're lucky enough to not live life trying to manage an anxiety disorder, I hope this blog helps give you some insight to the battles I fight with Anxiety Brain each day in order to understand a little bit more how to help support me and others like me. And if you, like me, are fighting a brain that keeps you in a near-constant state of fight-or-flight, I hope that you discover that you are not alone in this real but nuisance of a battle. And either way, I hope that you can laugh along with me at the ridiculousness of Anxiety Brain's lies and the things I have to say to try to fight it.
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