Thursday, May 10
Anxiety Brain: You know those people you were looking forward to seeing tonight?
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, so I noticed you had a hard time catching up with them. I don't think they really wanted to talk with you.
Me: Well, Person A had a long commute home, so I'm sure they dashed out as soon as they could, as per usual. Person B is the epitome of an extrovert and literally can't sit still in a room full of people. And if the rest of them felt any bit as exhausted as I did before I even arrived, I don't blame them for heading out on the early side.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Pretty sure they're just sick of you hanging around. They think you're a clingy creeper.
Me: But they've been super welcoming lately, and super supportive after they found out that I have an anxiety disorder.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, but they're sick of you now. And that blog post you stayed up super late working on and then posted today about needing better mental health awareness, particularly in schools, was definitely the nail in the coffin.
Me: You know, I had a really solid, long conversation with People C & D. Also, Person Z from that group, who wasn't able to make it tonight, said "Good job" on the blog post.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. Everyone else hates you. You should just give up now.
Me: (Out of ammo, feeling sick to my stomach and trying not to burst into tears, posts vague reference to the conversation with Anxiety Brain on Facebook, hoping that it might recruit some reinforcements)
(A couple of hours pass)
Person B (via Facebook Comment): It was so good to see you tonight!
Me: Thank God for Person B
Anxiety Brain: Damn you, Person B
Sunday, May 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that crazy dream you had last night?
Me: That was a weird one - a gathering of people that are all in my various social circles but don't know each other all gathered in one place for a celebration at someone's house that had nothing to do with me other than my presence there? And seriously - perfectly synchronized choreography to music by a bunch of people that are complete strangers in real life? How bizarre with that? I suddenly understand the people who can't buy in to musical theater...
Anxiety Brain: Who cares about that part?! Did you notice how totally socially uncomfortable you felt the whole time? That part where you tried to leave the gathering early - you shouldn't have decided to go back. I mean, once you returned you found out that they couldn't even remember where they'd planned to have you sit for dinner. And when they remembered where they'd put your spot, you weren't near any of the people that you're actually comfortable being around.
Me: I guess I hadn't really noticed that before, but-
Anxiety Brain: And did you notice that when you actually had a chance to try to talk to the people that you really wanted to see, they were always already busy talking with someone else, and you never got to talk to any of them the entire time?
Me: Yeah, that part kind of sucked. And explains why I spent most of the dream and the time after I woke up with a pit in my stomach. But at least it was just a dream and not real life - weird things like that happen in dreams all the time.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, actually, you realize that the social gathering in your dream is basically just a metaphor for what your summer is going to be, right? All of the people you want to connect with are going to be busy spending time with people that they've known longer and like better, and you're going to get left on the outside looking in (as a total Facebook stalker, no less), feeling completely forgotten and alone. You probably shouldn't even try to reach out to them to get together in order to avoid the inevitable embarrassing rejection that awaits. And if you don't intrude on their lives by asking them to spend time with you, maybe they'll still be willing to talk with you for, like, 30 seconds the next time you run into them at a social gathering that someone else plans.
Me: (Bursts into tears and literally can't stop crying)
Anxiety Brain: Well, if you're going to be like that, you should go close yourself in your bedroom all day because your roommates are in the kitchen, and you're making them feel super awkward
Me: Honestly, I don't think they've noticed.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. This room now feels awkward, and it's 100% your fault, so you should definitely leave now.
Me: It's going to be a long day isn't it...
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Anxiety Brain: I noticed that almost no one responded to your Facebook posts today.
Me: Well, it's Mother's Day, so most people are off celebrating with their families.
Anxiety Brain: About that - everybody thinks you're ridiculous for not gushing about your mom on Facebook today.
Me: Well, 1) I usually prefer texts and phone calls to public Facebook declarations about people, 2) I did actually post something about my mom for Mother's Day today, which I pretty much never do, and 3) I don't do holidays well, and that's why I celebrated gradually through the week last week with my mom instead of putting all the pressure on today.
Anxiety Brain: Mother's Day isn't about what you want. You're so selfish. No wonder no one likes you anymore.
Me: (Spends rest of day playing phone games to keep from spiraling into an anxiety black hole, feeling too embarrassed and bothersome to call in reinforcements)
Monday, May 14
(Razor falls in shower in the midst of my roommates' shower stuff)
Me: Gross, now it's full of roommate germs. I can't wait 'til I can afford to move out and not have to share a shower with other people anymore
Anxiety Brain: Except you're so dysfunctional that no one is going to want to hire you, so you won't be able to move out unless you move in with your parents, and you'll be stuck in undesirable living situations forever
Me: (Goes from 0 to panic attack in 2 seconds flat)
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Me: Okay, I think I've got a good post idea for today in honor of Mental Health Month that both promotes awareness while also giving some constructive advice about breaking stigma
Anxiety Brain: Seriously? I know it's not even halfway through the month, but everyone is so sick of your mental health soapbox. If you keep this up, you're not going to have any friends by the end of the month. And the new ones you've connected with in the last few years are definitely going to ditch you
Me: (trying to shut out anxiety brain) Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma. Silence perpetuates stigma... (finally posts)
(Later that night)
Anxiety Brain: No one is going to like you if you keep this up.
Me: But I have a number of "likes" and even some "loves". Including People X & Y who are super important, super valued members of my support system that I didn't meet until adulthood.
Anxiety Brain: What about Person W?
Me: Not listening. People X & Y are enough for today.
Anxiety Brain: You were so much more defeatable when you were getting ready this morning. What happened?
Me: People X & Y happened. People X & Y so totally rock.
Tuesday, May 15
Anxiety Brain: I noticed you feel anxious today
Me: Yeah, kind of one of those pit-in-my-stomach-for-no-reason type of days
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I could totally give you reasons. First, in that application you're working on that has a bunch of essay questions about cultural competency, you're totally going to come off as a racist; and if you try to talk your answers through with your friend who works in that district, she's just going to be mad that you haven't submitted your application yet. Also, that new blog you decided to start last night that's all about me? I mean I'm flattered and all because we both know that I'm totally awesome, but because you're in it too, no one's going to read it - especially because it's already 10AM and you don't have anything to write yet today. Plus you have to go to that school today, the one that didn't hire you full time for next year - and, P.S. you have your last informal observation today and your lesson plan is crap, so good lucky with that. Then-
Me: On the bright side, I have a conversation with you to write about now.
Anxiety Brain: You still feel anxious, though!
Me: But when I get the chance later today, I'm going to write all this down and laugh about it!
Anxiety Brain: Well, that didn't really go as planned...
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Me: Hey, Anxiety Brain.
Anxiety Brain: What do you want?
Me: Remember last week when I found out I didn't even get an interview for the full time job at my one school because the principal decided to only interview external candidates because it was really important to find someone who would work well with the rest of the staff, and then I started questioning all the professional relationships I've built this year, and you convinced me that everyone at that school actually hates me?
Anxiety Brain: Yeah. That was a really good day. I'm really glad you remember that day.
Me: Well, my office mates just profusely apologized for leaving stuff on and around my desk and helped move it - which I wasn't even bothered by the stuff because that room has no storage space, and when they're working with student small groups at the tables, my desk is the only empty place to put stuff, and I'm only there two afternoons a week anyway, so it's really a non-issue for me - but, anyway, they made a big deal out of making sure I knew that they didn't intentionally pile stuff there because it was my spot. And then they said "We really like having you here!" See, they don't hate me. They want to have me around.
Anxiety Brain: But that was one of the judgy, gossipy ones, right.
Me: Yeah, but I've heard fake, judgy, gossipy voice, and that wasn't it. That was genuine. So there.
Anxiety Brain: (Speechless)
Me: Also, remember how the last few days people who have been liking and commenting on my Facebook posts haven't been interacting with my posts as much, and you told me they were sick of me?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah. Smart people, those ones. Ditching you and your obnoxious over-sharing on social media.
Me: Except today, numerous likes and comments, including on all the extra non-planned Mental Health Month ones. They don't hate me. They're not ditching me. They just, you know, actually had lives the past few days. Which I get because sometimes I have a life too, and I miss stuff that gets posted online. Just not this week. And that's okay. And, in case you missed it the first time, they didn't ditch me. So there.
Anxiety Brain: Well, there's a whole week's worth of work down the drain.
Me: Today is a good day.
Wednesday, May 16
Me: Why do I feel anxious? I've felt anxious since I got to school today, and I seriously don't know why. I hate feeling anxious when I don't know why.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on, you know why you're anxious.
Me: Damn it, I do know why I'm anxious.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not even willing to write it down, much less say it out loud, because you're so embarrassed by the reason.
Me: And you are 2 for 2 this evening.
Anxiety Brain: I love being right.
Me: Well, I won the last two days, but you're totally going to kick my butt today, aren't you?
Anxiety Brain: Yep, sans unrequested reinforcements showing up, and you and I both know that the odds aren't looking good on that one right now.
Me: Yeah. That's unfortunate.
(Literally a few minutes later)
Me: Hey, guess what?
Anxiety Brain: This can't be good.
Me: Unrequested reinforcements just showed up
Anxiety Brain: I was so close to winning today...
(About 10 minutes later)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, you're anxious again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: Because you know how pathetic it is that you consider those reinforcements quality reinforcements
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: And you figure the people you credit as being reinforcements would look down on you if they knew that those tiny actions were what you were depending on as reinforcements against me.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: I'm still going to win today, aren't I?
Me: Looks that way.
Anxiety Brain: You're not even going to fight back anymore?
Me: I'm kind of too exhausted to fight back at this point.
Anxiety Brain: Well that's no fun.
Me: At least the reinforcements haven't ditched me yet?
Anxiety Brain: I'll give you that one. You're having a rough day.
Thursday, May 17
Me: So you know how you've spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that Friend S is going to ditch me?
Anxiety Brain: So they finally did, did they?
Me: Nope. Haven't ditched me. And rational brain has collected enough evidence today to make me believe that they're not going to
Anxiety Brain: You're still too afraid to start a conversation with them. Or ever initiate making plans.
Me: So I've got work to do. In the meantime, they haven't ditched me yet. And for today, that brings me a sense of calm.
Anxiety Brain: You're pretty pathetic. And so is rational brain's evidence.
Me: Yeah, well, Friend S hasn't ditched me yet, so I can't be all that bad.
Anxiety Brain: But if Friend S really knew-
Me: Nope. They haven't ditched me yet, so today I am at peace.
Saturday, May 19
Anxiety Brain: The Kindergarten teachers and full-time music teacher are arguing about the music for the Kindergarten program again.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: And you're the music teacher who can make it to the program, so you're going to get stuck in the middle.
Me: Yep
Anxiety Brain: You should probably spend the rest of the weekend worrying about it.
Me: Nope. This is an adulting-free weekend, and today is Friend M day, and I will worry about all the tension and disagreements again on Monday.
Anxiety Brain: But it would be so much more productive to spend the weekend worrying about it.
Me: I'm not listening to you!
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