Sunday, June 17
Anxiety Brain: Hey, we haven't had one of our daily dozens of conversations about whether or not you're going to that social gathering yet.
Me: That's because I've decided to take the day off.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on, I don't have that much more time to bother you about it, and this has been really fun for me, spinning you in constant circles.
Me: But there's still more time, and I'm not going to spend all of that time going back and forth on a theoretically simple yes-or-no decision. I'm taking today off. I'll freak out again tomorrow.
Anxiety Brain: But you talked to The Roommate about it!
Me: Because The Roommate brought it up. And, by the way, countered literally everything you've been telling me.
Anxiety Brain: Which is why I should be allowed ample time to argue my case again.
Me: You've had plenty of time. You still have time after today. But today I'm taking the day off.
Anxiety Brain: But-
Me: Nope. Taking the day off. And pulling out the self-made art therapy project again because I can never manage to focus on you at the same time as I'm working on that project.
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Anxiety Brain: You know, one of these days, other people are going to figure out when you reference them in your postings about our conversations.
Me: And that is why I use randomly-assigned letters, and there's no rhyme or reason to the letters assigned other than what sounds good at the moment that I choose them, and the letters never refer to the same person twice (at least not intentionally).
Anxiety Brain: Except sometimes it's pretty obvious who you're talking about. And they're going to figure it out.
Me: Technically possible.
Anxiety Brain: And the ones that show up more frequently than others are going to think you're a crazy stalker.
Me: Okay, that's a little bit of an over-exaggeration.
Anxiety Brain: But there are some that show up more frequently than others.
Me: True.
Anxiety Brain: And once they figure it out, they're not going to be particularly happy about it.
Me: Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Anxiety Brain: Really?
Me: Nope, but I'm trying really hard not to think about it.
Monday, June 18
Anxiety Brain: Your "worry-free" day is over. We get to talk about it again.
Me: You know, I'm not all that worried about it right now, and I have a week to figure out my plan anyway.
Anxiety Brain: But what if the invite was a mistake?
Me: I really don't feel like this right now.
Anxiety Brain: If it was a mistake, it'll be really awkward for you to show up.
Me: Here we go again.
Anxiety Brain: But if it wasn't a mistake and you don't show, you're going to offend them and ruin the friendship.
Me: You know what would be way more fun than this?
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I know! Over-analyzing every interaction you've had with other people for the last few months.
Me: Or I could binge-watch a show on Netflix while playing phone games all day.
Anxiety Brain: That's not fun! You don't listen to me when you do that!
Me: I didn't say it would be more fun for you.
Tuesday, June 19
Anxiety Brain: You're never going to fit in with that group.
Me: I'm still the newcomer. Integrating takes time. And I'm at least working to have a chance to connect with a number of them on an individual basis. It's a start. It counts for something.
Anxiety Brain: But you're the one doing the work of connecting with people. When have they ever been the ones to reach out to make plans?
Me: I mean, I guess they haven't. Except that one time that I went out to dinner with some of them - and that invite came from Person T... Oh my gosh I just realized something.
Anxiety Brain: This doesn't sound good for me.
Me: I don't think the invite was a mistake.
Anxiety Brain: But how can you really know that?
Me: The invite came from Person T. This isn't the first time they've invited me to be a part of things. I don't think the invite was a mistake.
Anxiety Brain: If you show up, it's going to be awkward.
Me: Not going to worry about that right now. I'm going to celebrate the little triumph and that fact that I feel calm about this situation for the first time in weeks.
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Anxiety Brain: You just told Person C that this is the loud seating section at Lynx games.
Me: Well, it is.
Anxiety Brain: But you're generally never loud. And now Person C feels like they have to be loud, and they're going to be mad at you if you're not also loud.
Me: I suppose I could be a little louder.
Anxiety Brain: You'd better be. Otherwise it's going to get really awkward between you and Person C.
Me: You're probably right.
(A while later)
Anxiety Brain: You're not being loud enough.
Me: I'm just not a loud person, especially on nights that the rest of the crowd isn't as amped up. I'm just going to be me tonight.
Anxiety Brain: Good luck with Person C.
Me: Just go away.
Wednesday, June 21
Anxiety Brain: Your new blog post isn't any good.
Me: It's not really my best piece of writing ever, but it has some really good moments. Plus I revised a lot during each of my 3 read-throughs.
Anxiety Brain: It's too long.
Me: Yeah, but I don't know what to cut out at this point.
Anxiety Brain: People are going to get mad at you if you keep mentioning them in your posts.
Me: This again?
Anxiety Brain: I know you're vague about it, but, really, they're going to figure it out, and they're going to get mad. You should stop writing about other people.
Me: Well, here's the deal. If I'm writing about coping with Social Anxiety Disorder, my challenges and triumphs frequently include other people. So I can't just stop including other people in my writing.
Anxiety Brain: I suppose it doesn't really even make a difference seeing as no one is going to read this post. You're about 45 minutes beyond your optimal posting window.
Me: It could be worse. I still want to post it tonight, so this will have to do.
Anxiety Brain: You still don't have to publish it.
Me: Except I just did.
Anxiety Brain: And how do you feel about yourself?
Me: Sick to my stomach and physically shaking.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to do this again next week?
Me: I think so. Maybe. Hopefully? I think it's good for me to take the risk every week.
Anxiety Brain: You want to feel sick and be shaking again next week?
Me: Not that part, but I still think taking the risk of sharing what I write is probably good for me.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, we'll see how you feel a week from now.
Thursday, June 22
Person L: (Via Facebook comment) It doesn't matter what you wear as long as you are there.
Me: Oh, I like that! That's awesome!
Anxiety Brain: Except you realize it's totally not true, right?
Me: But remember that time this spring when I accidentally wore my sweats to go out with the cast after the show instead of throwing jeans on? You had me super freaked out, but no one said anything. I don't think they even noticed.
Anxiety Brain: They didn't say anything to your face. But they probably did behind your back.
Me: Crap, I hadn't thought of that.
Anxiety Brain: They all definitely judged you for your sweats.
Me: But Person L was one of the people who was there that night, so it was probably fine.
Anxiety Brain: Maybe Person L thought so, but what about everyone else in the room?
Me: You know, you have a habit of taking good things and turning them bad.
Anxiety Brain: Thank you! I work really hard at it. Actually, most of the time I don't. You're really not hard to get off track.
Me: And, we're going to be done now.
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Anxiety Brain: You're going into a store and you're all covered in dark brown speckles.
Me: I mean, I just got done staining boxes for The Roommate's wedding, and the store is between her parents' house and our townhouse, so it makes sense to stop on the way, and I'll get cleaned up when I get home.
Anxiety Brain: Your arm looks diseased.
Me: I mean, it kind of looks like it got splattered by a really dirty mud puddle, but for as long as I'll be in the store, it's fine.
Anxiety Brain: Good thing you're going to the trashy one, because the other one would never let you in.
Me: Yes, Walmart has its advantages over Target this time.
Anxiety Brain: On the other hand, with as gross as you look between the stain splatter and the sunburn, you might wind up on the People of Walmart website.
Me: I feel like Minnesotans are too nice for that.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure?
Me: Nope, but that's what I'm going to tell myself.
Friday, June 22
Anxiety Brain: Did you see that Person X who invited you to that thing this weekend has another friend with the same first name as you?
Me: I did catch that scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that when Person X sent you the invite they didn't accidentally click on you instead of the other person with the same first name who they actually intended to invite?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: The invite was a mistake.
Me: Literally everyone else I've talked to tells me that it wasn't a mistake and that Person X invited me because they want me there.
Anxiety Brain: It was a mistake, and you're going to make it awkward when you show up
Me: How many times are we going to do this?
Anxiety Brain: Until you decide you're not going to go.
Me: Maybe I won't. Maybe I'm tired of fighting this battle.
Anxiety Brain: Then again, if the invite was legit, Person X is going to be mad at you for not coming.
Me: Honestly, just knowing their personality, they might not even notice.
Anxiety Brain: They will. And they'll be upset, and it'll destroy your friendship.
Me: So basically you're telling me that no matter what I do, Person X won't like me anymore.
Anxiety Brain: Exactly!
Me: I'm so not doing this right now.
Anxiety Brain: I'm going to make you stay awake until you start listening to me.
Me: I really hate nights like this.
Saturday, June 23
Anxiety Brain: The invite was a mistake.
Me: I don't think so.
Anxiety Brain: It was a mistake, and you're going to show up, and they'll think you're some sort of crazy stalker.
Me: I did not get enough sleep last night to be able to handle this today.
Anxiety Brain: And once they realize you're a crazy stalker, that friendship is over.
Me: Please just stop.
Anxiety Brain: But the invite was a mistake. And you're going to show up, and it'll be awkward, and you'll lose that friend.
Me: (Panic attack ensues)
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Week 5: June 10-16, 2018
Monday, June 11
Me: It's, like, 8pm. All I've eaten today is a granola bar. I ought to at least eat something.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not hungry. It's not healthy to eat when you're not hungry.
Me: But eating nothing but a granola bar all day isn't a healthy thing to do either.
Anxiety Brain: You know that if you put in the effort of making real food, you'll get about two bites in and not be able to eat anymore. And that's kind of a waste of making real food if you're not really going to eat it fresh.
Me: True. These are the times I hate that my gag reflex kicks in when I attempt to eat when I'm not hungry. You know, the world really doesn't give enough credit to that fantastic physical trait being just as unhealthy as the ability to keep eating no matter how full you feel.
Anxiety Brain: So, you agree that it's a waste? No food tonight?
Me: How about a handful of chips. And then maybe that'll trigger the hunger that I should feel after eating so little all day, and I can eat real food after that.
Anxiety Brain: You're not hungry and you're going to eat junk. I mean, that's really not a healthy thing to do either.
Me: Still eating something.
Anxiety Brain: It doesn't count if it's junk.
Me: Yeah. I should eat real food.
Anxiety Brain: Find any real food that you think you could manage to swallow at this point?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: So we're not eating then?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome. And look on the bright side - this is how you manage to stay as tiny as most people generally see you to be.
Me: I really wish that didn't feel like as much of a bright side as it actually does.
Anxiety Brain: I win!
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Anxiety Brain: Remember last week when you said this was the day you were going to start contacting people about hanging out this summer? How's that going for you?
Me: Seeing as literally doing anything more than sitting on the couch playing phone games makes me feel like I'm starting to have a panic attack today, not well.
Anxiety Brain: You didn't send any messages, did you?
Me: Not so much.
Anxiety Brain: I mean that's smart. Better to keep up the delusion that people might actually want to spend time with you than take the risk and get rejected. Or ignored. Which one of those is worse by the way?
Me: Still deciding.
Anxiety Brain: Anyway, good for you doing what you need to to pretend like you have friends. I mean, people keeping an eye on you on Facebook is one thing, but actually having to be in the same room as you? Seriously, who wants that?
Me: I mean, there are at least a few that have said that they want to get together. And I did think of a logical reason to at least connect with a few more.
Anxiety Brain: But did you say anything to any of those people today?
Me: No...
Anxiety Brain: You're really doing a great job of setting the tone for the summer. Just you and me, right?
Me: Seeing as today was pretty much awful, I'd rather not.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, you don't have the courage to change it, might as well just give up now.
Me: I choose to blame today on the stress of having two interviews tomorrow. I'm going to get past that and then try again later in the week.
Anxiety Brain: You sure you don't just want to admit defeat now?
Me: Not yet. Still hoping it'll get better. Because social time over the weekend was what I needed. I just need to figure out how to get over the hump of asking to make plans. And then I can spend time with people and not you.
Anxiety Brain: But I get you for the next few days, right?
Me: Unfortunately. Only so much fighting energy in me these days.
Anxiety Brain: Cool, a few more days to convince you that you'd rather hang out with me.
Me: And later this week, I'll start fighting you on that again.
Tuesday, June 12
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that the interview wasn't at 8:15 instead of 8:50.
Me: I'm pretty sure. I mean, I listened carefully when I was talking with the principal on the phone.
Anxiety Brain: But you were only half awake. And the phone call was so short and went so fast. Are you sure you heard right?
Me: Pretty sure. Trying to convince myself that I'm sure.
Anxiety Brain: But that's your best shot at an open position in that district. It'd be pretty awful if you manage to screw it up.
Me: I'm sure I'll be fine. This is just you trying to freak me out before my interview.
Anxiety Brain: Is it working?
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: Great! Now, are you sure that second interview today isn't for a long-term sub position and not a permanent position?
Me: Only going to worry about one interview at a time.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on. You haven't had two interviews in a day since you graduated from college - and even then you were still naive and starry-eyed about the whole job search process. I never get an opportunity like this, and I'm going to make the most out of it. Now, are you sure... (keeps talking)
Me: I really hate job search season. And I hate it more once summer hits and I don't have teaching to distract me...
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Me: (Looks in mirror to fix wind-blown hair before heading into the building where my interview is)
Anxiety Brain: The left half of your face is super broken out.
Me: Ick! Didn't notice that before. Figures it'd happen on a day with two interviews.
Anxiety Brain: You should have worn make-up.
Me: I haven't worn make-up to an interview in a couple of years. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: You don't look professional.
Me: You know, if it's some sort of requirement that women have to wear make-up to look professional, I think that's dumb. I mean, who would have decided that anyway? The stupid patriarchy? I don't pull out the feminist soapbox very often, but seriously. Make-up should be a choice.
Anxiety Brain: Well have fun not getting hired then. Even if you think it's dumb, they're still going to judge you based on the societal rule that women have to wear make-up to look professional. Plus, given the demographics of this school, they'll expect you to look extra professional. No make-up, no job.
Me: I mean, if that makes the difference between me getting hired or not, is it really a school I'd want to work at?
Anxiety Brain: Enjoy feeling that level of picky and annoyed come August when you still don't have a job.
Me: I super hate spending double-interview days with you...
Wednesday, June 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that good news yesterday?
Me: Yep. Wish it had made you disappear for longer than it did, though.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it wasn't just a dream.
Me: Nope. Pretty sure it happened. I mean, I have my notes written down from the conversation, so I'm fairly certain it happened. Wish I had something more concrete though.
Anxiety Brain: Just to be sure, you probably shouldn't tell anyone until you have solid evidence that you didn't dream it.
Me: But it's kind of killing me inside to not say anything.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it feel way worse if you were wrong and then had to take it all back.
Me: Yeah. Times, like, a billion.
Anxiety Brain: And that's why you're not allowed to say anything.
Me: Compromise - It stays off Facebook, I tell people in person if it comes up.
Anxiety Brain: I'll take that for now. Pretty sure I'll convince you not to share in person by the time the topic comes up.
Me: Going to try really hard not to listen to you.
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Anxiety Brain: So, how's it going trying to find people who will hang out with you?
Me: Sent a few messages. Made a few plans. Schedule is filling up.
Anxiety Brain: Oh that's right. Earlier today I did a good job of freaking you out about your summer disappearing before it's even started.
Me: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, thanks for that, by the way.
Anxiety Brain: How about People T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z? How are those messages and plans coming?
Me: Yeah, about that...
Anxiety Brain: You still haven't done anything? Wow. That's pitiful. You should totally just give up now. Put yourself out of the misery of trying - I mean, you'll feel the misery of not getting to hang out with any of them, but that's really more your loss than theirs.
Me: Not giving up. Just give me about a dozen more mental drafts to figure out how to casually say "Hey, we should hang out!" without looking like a total creeper plus a random insane moment of courage, and it'll totally happen.
Anxiety Brain: Sure. You keep working on that. More fun for me that way anyway.
Me: You know, maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I should spread out social time with people over the course of the whole summer and not spend it all right away. Then again, maybe social time now means repeated social time with some people later on...
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I love it when you start questioning yourself. I'll save some energy for now.
(A few hours later)
Roommate: How's your night been?
Me: Anxiety Brain is kicking my butt.
Roommate: Why is Anxiety Brain kicking your butt?
Me: I want to hang out with people, but I'm too freaked out to send them a message saying something to the effect of, "Hey! We should hang out!"
Roommate: Want me to send the messages for you? I'll send them for you!
Me: This really isn't supposed to be this hard, is it? Anxiety Brain is just being stupid, right?
Roommate: Anxiety Brain is just being stupid.
Me: I hate this. This should be normal and easy, and I'm well aware of that, but it's frustrating because I can't frickin' get over the hump and just do it.
Roommate: Let me know if you want me to write the messages for you! (Leaves Room)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, want to hear all the reasons you should feel terrible about yourself for not being able to do something that normal adults find to be easy?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, how awful would it be if you were so helpless that your roommate had to help you initiate social contact with people that they don't even know.
Me: And that's why I'll be working to take on that task myself. It was a nice offer, though.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, yeah. Ready for me to you about all the reasons you shouldn't keep trying to beat me on this one because people like you better online than they do in person anyway, and you should stick with the non-scary communication
Me: Okay, 1) Just as totally terrifying. Every. Single. Time. 2) One of these days, I'm going to manage an insane moment of bravery, and it will almost certainly turn out in my favor, and you'll have to pick a new battle
Anxiety Brain: Fine. You didn't say that the insane moment of bravery had to come soon. It'll be too late for you to win by the time that moment comes around.
Me: Nope. It's coming soon. I'm going to force it to come soon. Probably not tonight because I'm all out of fighting energy. But definitely soon. Hopefully in the next few days.
Anxiety Brain: You just keep telling yourself that.
Me: Oh, I will. Generally repeated hopeful messages mean that I win and you lose.
Anxiety Brain: Or you'll just feel worse when you still fail.
Me: Nope. Totally going to win this one. This one is too important for me to fail, especially to fail by way of not trying. Don't know how to speed up the stupid, drawn-out time table that I seem to be on, but I'm going to. This one is way too important.
Thursday, June 14
Me: And, done!
Anxiety Brain: With what?
Me: Sending a bunch of those messages that I've been procrastinating.
Anxiety Brain: But I've spent the last couple of hours telling you not to. And you were definitely paying attention. How did you manage to actually get them sent?
Me: Because in between listening to you, I actually started typing. And then I hit "send." You know what's nice about hitting send? Once I hit it, I can't take it back, so I have to stop freaking out about what I'm writing. I feel so much better now that I'm not worrying about what to write.
Anxiety Brain: Okay.
Me: And you aren't fighting back. This is a super huge triumph!
Anxiety Brain: ...And 3, 2, 1-
Me: Crap. I shouldn't have hit "send." I screwed all those up. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I shouldn't have sent anything at all? What if...
Anxiety Brain: Yep. That's more like it.
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Anxiety Brain: Wow, that's a lot of electronic conversations going on at once!
Me: Yeah! It's very unlike me. I'm a little proud of myself. Especially since most of these are ones you've been convincing me I shouldn't have.
Anxiety Brain: Aren't you worried you're going to get them mixed up?
Me: I'm attentive to detail. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be awful if you sent the wrong thing to the wrong person?
Me: Maybe I should just double check this one again.
Anxiety Brain: Or maybe more like 10 times.
Me: Because that wouldn't be at all over-intense
Anxiety Brain: But you're still going to check at least 10 times, aren't you?
Me: Yeah, well, I might be a little over-intense.
Friday, June 15
Me: Oh, I could post about this!
Anxiety Brain: That's boring and mundane. No one cares.
Me: Or I could post about the art-therapy-type project I started today.
Anxiety Brain: The one that looks like an elementary school art project? Are you sure? 'Cause they're just going to judge you for that one.
Me: Or I could post-
Anxiety Brain: Just stop. No one cares. Keep it to yourself.
Me: I need social interaction. And there's no one here to interact with. And in-person stuff is scheduled (or in the process of being scheduled). And I have yet to figure out which of my friends are actually good at having full conversations via text or Facebook message. And I need social contact. So Facebook post it is.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be better to feel lonely and stuck with me than to post something that's going to lose you friends.
Me: But I need social contact!
Anxiety Brain: It's going to blow up in your face.
Me: Yeah, you're probably right.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you won't post anything.
Me: Yep. Not going to post anything.
Anxiety Brain: That means I get you to myself tonight!
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: I love when I win!
Saturday, June 16
Me: You know what solves the whole I-don't-have-anything-to-post-about-dilemma? Lynx games. In particular, Lynx games like this one where the team looks like themselves for the first time since Finals Game 5 last year.
Anxiety Brain: But are you really going to get much traffic off of that? Particularly by the people you typically interact with on Facebook?
Me: Probably not, but I might get traffic of people I don't always interact with, which is also worthwhile. And at least it's something. Also, really, people who aren't at this game need to turn on the TV and watch it; this is an enjoyable one to watch. Also that sequence of plays from the end of the 1st Quarter needs to be shared with the world.
Anxiety Brain: Fine. No one will care, and you'll go back to not posting things anyway.
(A while later)
Me: Huh.
Anxiety Brain: What.
Me: I got responses from both categories of people we discussed earlier.
Anxiety Brain: Seriously?
Me: Yep. Pretty great, isn't it?
Anxiety Brain: Great really isn't the word I'd use.
Me: It's so much nicer being on the winning side of a conversation like this.
Me: It's, like, 8pm. All I've eaten today is a granola bar. I ought to at least eat something.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not hungry. It's not healthy to eat when you're not hungry.
Me: But eating nothing but a granola bar all day isn't a healthy thing to do either.
Anxiety Brain: You know that if you put in the effort of making real food, you'll get about two bites in and not be able to eat anymore. And that's kind of a waste of making real food if you're not really going to eat it fresh.
Me: True. These are the times I hate that my gag reflex kicks in when I attempt to eat when I'm not hungry. You know, the world really doesn't give enough credit to that fantastic physical trait being just as unhealthy as the ability to keep eating no matter how full you feel.
Anxiety Brain: So, you agree that it's a waste? No food tonight?
Me: How about a handful of chips. And then maybe that'll trigger the hunger that I should feel after eating so little all day, and I can eat real food after that.
Anxiety Brain: You're not hungry and you're going to eat junk. I mean, that's really not a healthy thing to do either.
Me: Still eating something.
Anxiety Brain: It doesn't count if it's junk.
Me: Yeah. I should eat real food.
Anxiety Brain: Find any real food that you think you could manage to swallow at this point?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: So we're not eating then?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome. And look on the bright side - this is how you manage to stay as tiny as most people generally see you to be.
Me: I really wish that didn't feel like as much of a bright side as it actually does.
Anxiety Brain: I win!
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Anxiety Brain: Remember last week when you said this was the day you were going to start contacting people about hanging out this summer? How's that going for you?
Me: Seeing as literally doing anything more than sitting on the couch playing phone games makes me feel like I'm starting to have a panic attack today, not well.
Anxiety Brain: You didn't send any messages, did you?
Me: Not so much.
Anxiety Brain: I mean that's smart. Better to keep up the delusion that people might actually want to spend time with you than take the risk and get rejected. Or ignored. Which one of those is worse by the way?
Me: Still deciding.
Anxiety Brain: Anyway, good for you doing what you need to to pretend like you have friends. I mean, people keeping an eye on you on Facebook is one thing, but actually having to be in the same room as you? Seriously, who wants that?
Me: I mean, there are at least a few that have said that they want to get together. And I did think of a logical reason to at least connect with a few more.
Anxiety Brain: But did you say anything to any of those people today?
Me: No...
Anxiety Brain: You're really doing a great job of setting the tone for the summer. Just you and me, right?
Me: Seeing as today was pretty much awful, I'd rather not.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, you don't have the courage to change it, might as well just give up now.
Me: I choose to blame today on the stress of having two interviews tomorrow. I'm going to get past that and then try again later in the week.
Anxiety Brain: You sure you don't just want to admit defeat now?
Me: Not yet. Still hoping it'll get better. Because social time over the weekend was what I needed. I just need to figure out how to get over the hump of asking to make plans. And then I can spend time with people and not you.
Anxiety Brain: But I get you for the next few days, right?
Me: Unfortunately. Only so much fighting energy in me these days.
Anxiety Brain: Cool, a few more days to convince you that you'd rather hang out with me.
Me: And later this week, I'll start fighting you on that again.
Tuesday, June 12
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that the interview wasn't at 8:15 instead of 8:50.
Me: I'm pretty sure. I mean, I listened carefully when I was talking with the principal on the phone.
Anxiety Brain: But you were only half awake. And the phone call was so short and went so fast. Are you sure you heard right?
Me: Pretty sure. Trying to convince myself that I'm sure.
Anxiety Brain: But that's your best shot at an open position in that district. It'd be pretty awful if you manage to screw it up.
Me: I'm sure I'll be fine. This is just you trying to freak me out before my interview.
Anxiety Brain: Is it working?
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: Great! Now, are you sure that second interview today isn't for a long-term sub position and not a permanent position?
Me: Only going to worry about one interview at a time.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on. You haven't had two interviews in a day since you graduated from college - and even then you were still naive and starry-eyed about the whole job search process. I never get an opportunity like this, and I'm going to make the most out of it. Now, are you sure... (keeps talking)
Me: I really hate job search season. And I hate it more once summer hits and I don't have teaching to distract me...
----------
Me: (Looks in mirror to fix wind-blown hair before heading into the building where my interview is)
Anxiety Brain: The left half of your face is super broken out.
Me: Ick! Didn't notice that before. Figures it'd happen on a day with two interviews.
Anxiety Brain: You should have worn make-up.
Me: I haven't worn make-up to an interview in a couple of years. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: You don't look professional.
Me: You know, if it's some sort of requirement that women have to wear make-up to look professional, I think that's dumb. I mean, who would have decided that anyway? The stupid patriarchy? I don't pull out the feminist soapbox very often, but seriously. Make-up should be a choice.
Anxiety Brain: Well have fun not getting hired then. Even if you think it's dumb, they're still going to judge you based on the societal rule that women have to wear make-up to look professional. Plus, given the demographics of this school, they'll expect you to look extra professional. No make-up, no job.
Me: I mean, if that makes the difference between me getting hired or not, is it really a school I'd want to work at?
Anxiety Brain: Enjoy feeling that level of picky and annoyed come August when you still don't have a job.
Me: I super hate spending double-interview days with you...
Wednesday, June 13
Anxiety Brain: Remember that good news yesterday?
Me: Yep. Wish it had made you disappear for longer than it did, though.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it wasn't just a dream.
Me: Nope. Pretty sure it happened. I mean, I have my notes written down from the conversation, so I'm fairly certain it happened. Wish I had something more concrete though.
Anxiety Brain: Just to be sure, you probably shouldn't tell anyone until you have solid evidence that you didn't dream it.
Me: But it's kind of killing me inside to not say anything.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it feel way worse if you were wrong and then had to take it all back.
Me: Yeah. Times, like, a billion.
Anxiety Brain: And that's why you're not allowed to say anything.
Me: Compromise - It stays off Facebook, I tell people in person if it comes up.
Anxiety Brain: I'll take that for now. Pretty sure I'll convince you not to share in person by the time the topic comes up.
Me: Going to try really hard not to listen to you.
----------
Anxiety Brain: So, how's it going trying to find people who will hang out with you?
Me: Sent a few messages. Made a few plans. Schedule is filling up.
Anxiety Brain: Oh that's right. Earlier today I did a good job of freaking you out about your summer disappearing before it's even started.
Me: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, thanks for that, by the way.
Anxiety Brain: How about People T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z? How are those messages and plans coming?
Me: Yeah, about that...
Anxiety Brain: You still haven't done anything? Wow. That's pitiful. You should totally just give up now. Put yourself out of the misery of trying - I mean, you'll feel the misery of not getting to hang out with any of them, but that's really more your loss than theirs.
Me: Not giving up. Just give me about a dozen more mental drafts to figure out how to casually say "Hey, we should hang out!" without looking like a total creeper plus a random insane moment of courage, and it'll totally happen.
Anxiety Brain: Sure. You keep working on that. More fun for me that way anyway.
Me: You know, maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe I should spread out social time with people over the course of the whole summer and not spend it all right away. Then again, maybe social time now means repeated social time with some people later on...
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I love it when you start questioning yourself. I'll save some energy for now.
(A few hours later)
Roommate: How's your night been?
Me: Anxiety Brain is kicking my butt.
Roommate: Why is Anxiety Brain kicking your butt?
Me: I want to hang out with people, but I'm too freaked out to send them a message saying something to the effect of, "Hey! We should hang out!"
Roommate: Want me to send the messages for you? I'll send them for you!
Me: This really isn't supposed to be this hard, is it? Anxiety Brain is just being stupid, right?
Roommate: Anxiety Brain is just being stupid.
Me: I hate this. This should be normal and easy, and I'm well aware of that, but it's frustrating because I can't frickin' get over the hump and just do it.
Roommate: Let me know if you want me to write the messages for you! (Leaves Room)
Anxiety Brain: Hey, want to hear all the reasons you should feel terrible about yourself for not being able to do something that normal adults find to be easy?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, how awful would it be if you were so helpless that your roommate had to help you initiate social contact with people that they don't even know.
Me: And that's why I'll be working to take on that task myself. It was a nice offer, though.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, yeah. Ready for me to you about all the reasons you shouldn't keep trying to beat me on this one because people like you better online than they do in person anyway, and you should stick with the non-scary communication
Me: Okay, 1) Just as totally terrifying. Every. Single. Time. 2) One of these days, I'm going to manage an insane moment of bravery, and it will almost certainly turn out in my favor, and you'll have to pick a new battle
Anxiety Brain: Fine. You didn't say that the insane moment of bravery had to come soon. It'll be too late for you to win by the time that moment comes around.
Me: Nope. It's coming soon. I'm going to force it to come soon. Probably not tonight because I'm all out of fighting energy. But definitely soon. Hopefully in the next few days.
Anxiety Brain: You just keep telling yourself that.
Me: Oh, I will. Generally repeated hopeful messages mean that I win and you lose.
Anxiety Brain: Or you'll just feel worse when you still fail.
Me: Nope. Totally going to win this one. This one is too important for me to fail, especially to fail by way of not trying. Don't know how to speed up the stupid, drawn-out time table that I seem to be on, but I'm going to. This one is way too important.
Thursday, June 14
Me: And, done!
Anxiety Brain: With what?
Me: Sending a bunch of those messages that I've been procrastinating.
Anxiety Brain: But I've spent the last couple of hours telling you not to. And you were definitely paying attention. How did you manage to actually get them sent?
Me: Because in between listening to you, I actually started typing. And then I hit "send." You know what's nice about hitting send? Once I hit it, I can't take it back, so I have to stop freaking out about what I'm writing. I feel so much better now that I'm not worrying about what to write.
Anxiety Brain: Okay.
Me: And you aren't fighting back. This is a super huge triumph!
Anxiety Brain: ...And 3, 2, 1-
Me: Crap. I shouldn't have hit "send." I screwed all those up. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I shouldn't have sent anything at all? What if...
Anxiety Brain: Yep. That's more like it.
----------
Anxiety Brain: Wow, that's a lot of electronic conversations going on at once!
Me: Yeah! It's very unlike me. I'm a little proud of myself. Especially since most of these are ones you've been convincing me I shouldn't have.
Anxiety Brain: Aren't you worried you're going to get them mixed up?
Me: I'm attentive to detail. I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be awful if you sent the wrong thing to the wrong person?
Me: Maybe I should just double check this one again.
Anxiety Brain: Or maybe more like 10 times.
Me: Because that wouldn't be at all over-intense
Anxiety Brain: But you're still going to check at least 10 times, aren't you?
Me: Yeah, well, I might be a little over-intense.
Friday, June 15
Me: Oh, I could post about this!
Anxiety Brain: That's boring and mundane. No one cares.
Me: Or I could post about the art-therapy-type project I started today.
Anxiety Brain: The one that looks like an elementary school art project? Are you sure? 'Cause they're just going to judge you for that one.
Me: Or I could post-
Anxiety Brain: Just stop. No one cares. Keep it to yourself.
Me: I need social interaction. And there's no one here to interact with. And in-person stuff is scheduled (or in the process of being scheduled). And I have yet to figure out which of my friends are actually good at having full conversations via text or Facebook message. And I need social contact. So Facebook post it is.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be better to feel lonely and stuck with me than to post something that's going to lose you friends.
Me: But I need social contact!
Anxiety Brain: It's going to blow up in your face.
Me: Yeah, you're probably right.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you won't post anything.
Me: Yep. Not going to post anything.
Anxiety Brain: That means I get you to myself tonight!
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: I love when I win!
Saturday, June 16
Me: You know what solves the whole I-don't-have-anything-to-post-about-dilemma? Lynx games. In particular, Lynx games like this one where the team looks like themselves for the first time since Finals Game 5 last year.
Anxiety Brain: But are you really going to get much traffic off of that? Particularly by the people you typically interact with on Facebook?
Me: Probably not, but I might get traffic of people I don't always interact with, which is also worthwhile. And at least it's something. Also, really, people who aren't at this game need to turn on the TV and watch it; this is an enjoyable one to watch. Also that sequence of plays from the end of the 1st Quarter needs to be shared with the world.
Anxiety Brain: Fine. No one will care, and you'll go back to not posting things anyway.
(A while later)
Me: Huh.
Anxiety Brain: What.
Me: I got responses from both categories of people we discussed earlier.
Anxiety Brain: Seriously?
Me: Yep. Pretty great, isn't it?
Anxiety Brain: Great really isn't the word I'd use.
Me: It's so much nicer being on the winning side of a conversation like this.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Week 4: June 3-9, 2018
Sunday, June 3
Anxiety Brain: Why are you even bothering to apply for that job?
Me: Because I need a job, it's elementary music, and it not only keeps me living in the general location that I want to be but it's in a familiar district.
Anxiety Brain: You're never going to get it.
Me: Well, I can at least apply.
Anxiety Brain: But Person N hates you. And Person N wields a lot of power in the hiring process in that district.
Me: I mean, Person N has never said anything specifically negative to me.
Anxiety Brain: But have they ever said anything positive that doesn't sound fake? Plus, you've seen all the bad-mouthing that happens behind people's backs around there.
Me: You've got me there.
Anxiety Brain: You'll never get hired in that district again as long as Person N holds that much power. Why bother putting in the energy of even applying?
Me: Because it's worth a shot. And maybe this time I get to prove you wrong.
Anxiety Brain: And how well did that go for you last year?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: But why would I shut up when I know you're still listening?
Me: I really hate that you're right...
Monday, June 4
Anxiety Brain: You know how I know that this is going to be a good week for me?
Me: How?
Anxiety Brain: Because you've deleted almost every one of our conversations that you've started to write down over the last couple of days. And you've chosen to not even bother writing down about twice that number of conversations.
Me: Trying to not be redundant.
Anxiety Brain: And you're too embarrassed to share most of them.
Me: Well, there's also that.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that your inability to beat me in the little things is ridiculous. So is the fact that you still feel anxious about things that happened a week ago.
Me: Yeah, that too.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that you're asking too much of people to support you in a week when most people in your social circles are already stressed out.
Me: And that.
Anxiety Brain: I'm really looking forward to the quality time we're going to spend together this week.
Me: Yeah, I'm most definitely not.
Anxiety Brain: But you know it's still going to happen.
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: You know what would be really great?
Me: What?
Anxiety Brain: If we try to do this exact same thing all summer.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you've actually started to reach out to people to make plans yet?
Me: Nope. Waiting until the week is done and people are less busy.
Anxiety Brain: You're not going to feel any more courageous then than you will now.
Me: Well, I can hope.
Anxiety Brain: Good luck with that.
Thursday, June 7
Me: I've officially reached the numb-and-detached level of anxiety. This hasn't happened in a few months. I'm still really not a fan.
Anxiety Brain: You know you aren't allowed to tell anyone, right? That's the kind of thing that scares people off.
Me: Even though my downward spiral over the last week or so is basically a result of me not interacting enough with people in my support system?
Anxiety Brain: You're not allowed to bother anyone with your stress and worry until after the school year is over, remember? Most of them have too much going on right now to have to deal with you and your petty concerns.
Me: Numbness and detachment aren't petty concerns. Numbness and detachment are signs that I'm very much not in a good mental health place. And headed for worse without intervention.
Anxiety Brain: You're still not allowed to talk about it.
Me: Yeah, I know, not until the school year is over. I swear I'm going to send so many messages on Monday to try to find times to connect with people over the summer.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome, that means I still have a few more days to convince you that you're better off just resigning yourself to the company of me and only me all summer rather than seeing if people want to hang out with and inevitably being rejected by them. Or scaring them off by whatever you say if you do hang out.
Me: Trying so hard to not listen to you right now.
Anxiety Brain: How's that working out for you?
Me: Not well. So many frustrating levels of not well...
Friday, June 8
Anxiety Brain: Remember that interview question about discipline?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Remember these half dozen things that you thought about including in your answer and then didn't actually say out loud?
Me: Oh, yeah. Oops...
Anxiety Brain: You completely fumbled that question. You're not going to get that job based solely and how horribly you fumbled that question.
Me: If I don't get it, I'm sure it will be based on more than one question.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not going to get anymore interviews this year, so way to blow your only opportunity.
Me: There will still be a chance at more opportunities. I'm sure that won't be my only one.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. That was your only one, and you screwed it up. Have fun with unemployment next year.
Me: See, you are 90% the reason I hate job hunting.
----------
Anxiety Brain: You made a homemade card?
Me: Yep! And the whole process shut you up for about an hour last night while I was working on it, so I vote it was a good move by me.
Anxiety Brain: It's on a basic piece of printer paper using a technique inspired by an art project you did when you were in 2nd Grade. Person F is going to think that it's dumb.
Me: I think it looks kind of cool. Plus Person F works in an elementary school, and elementary school staff have a tendency to still like some of the same things that young kids like.
Anxiety Brain: Person F is going to think it's stupid and that you're ridiculous for thinking that card was a good idea.
Me: Well, too late now. I don't have time to get or make a different card and rewrite the message inside, so it will have to do.
(A few hours later)
Me: (Hands "Thank You" card to Person F)
Person F: Thanks! Oh, that's really cool! (Looks at it more closely) Wait, did you make this?
Me: Yep.
Person F: Wow! It's so fancy!
Me: (Beams)
Anxiety Brain: Well that was unexpected.
Me: (Internally to Anxiety Brain) You know, between that reaction and the fact that the process of making it shut you up for most of the time I was making it last night, I vote I should start making cards like that more often.
----------
Anxiety Brain: So, you're surrounded by a bunch of real adults complaining about things their teenagers do that drive them crazy.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You realize you do about 90% of those things, right?
Me: Pretty well-established that I'm a slob.
Anxiety Brain: Well, you know that, and I know that, and your roommates certainly know that - and can't wait until you move out for that very reason, by the way - but what would all these people you're surrounded by think about you if they knew that?
Me: And that's why I'm keeping my mouth shut.
Anxiety Brain: You're 29 and your cleaning and clutter standards are still no better than a high schooler's. You should be ashamed.
Me: I mean, I could name at least half a dozen people my age or older who are worse.
Anxiety Brain: Not by much, though.
Me: Currently, true. When I have my own space, I'm better. Having my own space takes fuel away from you saying that my roommates are watching and judging my every move when I de-clutter and clean. Or, if they're not around for the actual process, that they'll judge the way I de-clutter and clean as soon as they see the results.
Anxiety Brain: Your own space? Like your van?
Me: Okay, the van is a different story. It was never quite that bad before this year when it became my lunchroom, office, storage space, etc.
Anxiety Brain: Hey, remember that time that Person V saw how much of a disaster area your van was? They're still totally judging you for that, by the way.
Me: 1) Why are we talking about something that happened that long ago? 2) Pretty sure Person V doesn't judge me for it, at least not in a permanently-damaging way.
Anxiety Brain: But you're still embarrassed by it.
Me: Enough to at least consider trying to do better in the future. Which, you know, isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't change the fact that everyone at this table would judge you if they saw your house right now, especially your room.
Me: And that's why I'm going to sit here quietly until they choose a new topic of conversation.
Saturday, June 9
Anxiety Brain: Wow. It was really dumb of you to post that question about being asked to bring copies of your resume and reference letters to your interview next week.
Me: Yeah, tending to agree with you on that one right now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, I already knew that you suck at interviews, but look how many other people know it now, too.
Me: It's not like I don't usually bring that paperwork; it's just that I've never specifically been asked to bring those things in my 6 years of job hunting, and you were there telling me that there was something wrong with my application and that I should be freaking out.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, it's you, so there probably was something wrong with your application, and you should always be freaking out about job hunting because I don't understand why anyone would want to hire you, but you're not supposed to actually tell people these things. Now they all understand why you can't manage to land or keep a job.
Me: Or they understand that I'm stressed out and are trying to be helpful?
Anxiety Brain: Try again.
Me: Maybe this is why I can't manage to land and keep a job...
Anxiety Brain: See, you know I'm right.
Me: Or instead of thinking about that, I could think about my conversations with Person R & Person S yesterday. They were both confident that I did a great job this year. And they both seemed to believe that I'd manage to land in the same district again next year.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not such a fan of Person R and Person S. I don't think you should listen to them.
Me: That's just because they were the first two people I talked to after my interview yesterday and those conversations managed to shut you up for a couple of hours.
Anxiety Brain: But me shutting up doesn't do you any good.
Me: I beg to differ. I think that Person R & Person S are right on this one.
Anxiety Brain: You weren't supposed to find colleagues you wanted to listen to this year.
Me: Better late than never!
----------
Anxiety Brain: I really don't think you should go to that social gathering tonight.
Me: Not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you haven't seen any of them in 3 months.
Me: Hence the wanting to go.
Anxiety Brain: It's going to be awkward.
Me: It'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Definitely awkward.
Me: Still not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you feel sick to your stomach. You can use that as an excuse. You really shouldn't go. You'll feel better if you stay home.
Me: The sick to my stomach is 100% caused by you. And I usually wind up feeling worse if I back out last-minute. So I'm not going to back out. I'm going to go. I'm probably going to feel anxious for at least part of the time. But I'm still going to go.
Anxiety Brain: I'm going to keep bugging you until you listen to me.
Me: You do that. Meanwhile, I'm going to show up there and probably find myself surrounded by people who help drown out your voice, and once that happens, I'll have a good time.
Anxiety Brain: But what if they don't actually want you there?
Me: Generally invites don't happen unless people think I'm worth having around.
Anxiety Brain: But what if-
Me: You know, you may as well save your energy for a different argument, because you've already lost this one.
Anxiety Brain: Why are you even bothering to apply for that job?
Me: Because I need a job, it's elementary music, and it not only keeps me living in the general location that I want to be but it's in a familiar district.
Anxiety Brain: You're never going to get it.
Me: Well, I can at least apply.
Anxiety Brain: But Person N hates you. And Person N wields a lot of power in the hiring process in that district.
Me: I mean, Person N has never said anything specifically negative to me.
Anxiety Brain: But have they ever said anything positive that doesn't sound fake? Plus, you've seen all the bad-mouthing that happens behind people's backs around there.
Me: You've got me there.
Anxiety Brain: You'll never get hired in that district again as long as Person N holds that much power. Why bother putting in the energy of even applying?
Me: Because it's worth a shot. And maybe this time I get to prove you wrong.
Anxiety Brain: And how well did that go for you last year?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: But why would I shut up when I know you're still listening?
Me: I really hate that you're right...
Monday, June 4
Anxiety Brain: You know how I know that this is going to be a good week for me?
Me: How?
Anxiety Brain: Because you've deleted almost every one of our conversations that you've started to write down over the last couple of days. And you've chosen to not even bother writing down about twice that number of conversations.
Me: Trying to not be redundant.
Anxiety Brain: And you're too embarrassed to share most of them.
Me: Well, there's also that.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that your inability to beat me in the little things is ridiculous. So is the fact that you still feel anxious about things that happened a week ago.
Me: Yeah, that too.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that you're asking too much of people to support you in a week when most people in your social circles are already stressed out.
Me: And that.
Anxiety Brain: I'm really looking forward to the quality time we're going to spend together this week.
Me: Yeah, I'm most definitely not.
Anxiety Brain: But you know it's still going to happen.
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: You know what would be really great?
Me: What?
Anxiety Brain: If we try to do this exact same thing all summer.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you've actually started to reach out to people to make plans yet?
Me: Nope. Waiting until the week is done and people are less busy.
Anxiety Brain: You're not going to feel any more courageous then than you will now.
Me: Well, I can hope.
Anxiety Brain: Good luck with that.
Thursday, June 7
Me: I've officially reached the numb-and-detached level of anxiety. This hasn't happened in a few months. I'm still really not a fan.
Anxiety Brain: You know you aren't allowed to tell anyone, right? That's the kind of thing that scares people off.
Me: Even though my downward spiral over the last week or so is basically a result of me not interacting enough with people in my support system?
Anxiety Brain: You're not allowed to bother anyone with your stress and worry until after the school year is over, remember? Most of them have too much going on right now to have to deal with you and your petty concerns.
Me: Numbness and detachment aren't petty concerns. Numbness and detachment are signs that I'm very much not in a good mental health place. And headed for worse without intervention.
Anxiety Brain: You're still not allowed to talk about it.
Me: Yeah, I know, not until the school year is over. I swear I'm going to send so many messages on Monday to try to find times to connect with people over the summer.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome, that means I still have a few more days to convince you that you're better off just resigning yourself to the company of me and only me all summer rather than seeing if people want to hang out with and inevitably being rejected by them. Or scaring them off by whatever you say if you do hang out.
Me: Trying so hard to not listen to you right now.
Anxiety Brain: How's that working out for you?
Me: Not well. So many frustrating levels of not well...
Friday, June 8
Anxiety Brain: Remember that interview question about discipline?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Remember these half dozen things that you thought about including in your answer and then didn't actually say out loud?
Me: Oh, yeah. Oops...
Anxiety Brain: You completely fumbled that question. You're not going to get that job based solely and how horribly you fumbled that question.
Me: If I don't get it, I'm sure it will be based on more than one question.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not going to get anymore interviews this year, so way to blow your only opportunity.
Me: There will still be a chance at more opportunities. I'm sure that won't be my only one.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. That was your only one, and you screwed it up. Have fun with unemployment next year.
Me: See, you are 90% the reason I hate job hunting.
----------
Anxiety Brain: You made a homemade card?
Me: Yep! And the whole process shut you up for about an hour last night while I was working on it, so I vote it was a good move by me.
Anxiety Brain: It's on a basic piece of printer paper using a technique inspired by an art project you did when you were in 2nd Grade. Person F is going to think that it's dumb.
Me: I think it looks kind of cool. Plus Person F works in an elementary school, and elementary school staff have a tendency to still like some of the same things that young kids like.
Anxiety Brain: Person F is going to think it's stupid and that you're ridiculous for thinking that card was a good idea.
Me: Well, too late now. I don't have time to get or make a different card and rewrite the message inside, so it will have to do.
(A few hours later)
Me: (Hands "Thank You" card to Person F)
Person F: Thanks! Oh, that's really cool! (Looks at it more closely) Wait, did you make this?
Me: Yep.
Person F: Wow! It's so fancy!
Me: (Beams)
Anxiety Brain: Well that was unexpected.
Me: (Internally to Anxiety Brain) You know, between that reaction and the fact that the process of making it shut you up for most of the time I was making it last night, I vote I should start making cards like that more often.
----------
Anxiety Brain: So, you're surrounded by a bunch of real adults complaining about things their teenagers do that drive them crazy.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You realize you do about 90% of those things, right?
Me: Pretty well-established that I'm a slob.
Anxiety Brain: Well, you know that, and I know that, and your roommates certainly know that - and can't wait until you move out for that very reason, by the way - but what would all these people you're surrounded by think about you if they knew that?
Me: And that's why I'm keeping my mouth shut.
Anxiety Brain: You're 29 and your cleaning and clutter standards are still no better than a high schooler's. You should be ashamed.
Me: I mean, I could name at least half a dozen people my age or older who are worse.
Anxiety Brain: Not by much, though.
Me: Currently, true. When I have my own space, I'm better. Having my own space takes fuel away from you saying that my roommates are watching and judging my every move when I de-clutter and clean. Or, if they're not around for the actual process, that they'll judge the way I de-clutter and clean as soon as they see the results.
Anxiety Brain: Your own space? Like your van?
Me: Okay, the van is a different story. It was never quite that bad before this year when it became my lunchroom, office, storage space, etc.
Anxiety Brain: Hey, remember that time that Person V saw how much of a disaster area your van was? They're still totally judging you for that, by the way.
Me: 1) Why are we talking about something that happened that long ago? 2) Pretty sure Person V doesn't judge me for it, at least not in a permanently-damaging way.
Anxiety Brain: But you're still embarrassed by it.
Me: Enough to at least consider trying to do better in the future. Which, you know, isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't change the fact that everyone at this table would judge you if they saw your house right now, especially your room.
Me: And that's why I'm going to sit here quietly until they choose a new topic of conversation.
Saturday, June 9
Anxiety Brain: Wow. It was really dumb of you to post that question about being asked to bring copies of your resume and reference letters to your interview next week.
Me: Yeah, tending to agree with you on that one right now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, I already knew that you suck at interviews, but look how many other people know it now, too.
Me: It's not like I don't usually bring that paperwork; it's just that I've never specifically been asked to bring those things in my 6 years of job hunting, and you were there telling me that there was something wrong with my application and that I should be freaking out.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, it's you, so there probably was something wrong with your application, and you should always be freaking out about job hunting because I don't understand why anyone would want to hire you, but you're not supposed to actually tell people these things. Now they all understand why you can't manage to land or keep a job.
Me: Or they understand that I'm stressed out and are trying to be helpful?
Anxiety Brain: Try again.
Me: Maybe this is why I can't manage to land and keep a job...
Anxiety Brain: See, you know I'm right.
Me: Or instead of thinking about that, I could think about my conversations with Person R & Person S yesterday. They were both confident that I did a great job this year. And they both seemed to believe that I'd manage to land in the same district again next year.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not such a fan of Person R and Person S. I don't think you should listen to them.
Me: That's just because they were the first two people I talked to after my interview yesterday and those conversations managed to shut you up for a couple of hours.
Anxiety Brain: But me shutting up doesn't do you any good.
Me: I beg to differ. I think that Person R & Person S are right on this one.
Anxiety Brain: You weren't supposed to find colleagues you wanted to listen to this year.
Me: Better late than never!
----------
Anxiety Brain: I really don't think you should go to that social gathering tonight.
Me: Not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you haven't seen any of them in 3 months.
Me: Hence the wanting to go.
Anxiety Brain: It's going to be awkward.
Me: It'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Definitely awkward.
Me: Still not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you feel sick to your stomach. You can use that as an excuse. You really shouldn't go. You'll feel better if you stay home.
Me: The sick to my stomach is 100% caused by you. And I usually wind up feeling worse if I back out last-minute. So I'm not going to back out. I'm going to go. I'm probably going to feel anxious for at least part of the time. But I'm still going to go.
Anxiety Brain: I'm going to keep bugging you until you listen to me.
Me: You do that. Meanwhile, I'm going to show up there and probably find myself surrounded by people who help drown out your voice, and once that happens, I'll have a good time.
Anxiety Brain: But what if they don't actually want you there?
Me: Generally invites don't happen unless people think I'm worth having around.
Anxiety Brain: But what if-
Me: You know, you may as well save your energy for a different argument, because you've already lost this one.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Week 3: May 27-June 2, 2018
Sunday, May 27
Anxiety Brain: So, you're really going to post a set of our conversations again?
Me: I mean, I started a blog which generally means continuing to add posts, so... Yeah, I'm going to post them again.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it's a good idea? When our conversations get repetitive, you don't come off in such a good light.
Me: Still posting it.
Anxiety Brain: I think your nerves are telling you that you shouldn't.
Me: I'm pretty sure that both my nerves and you are running off the Diet Coke that I thought I could handle today and is turning out to be a bad idea. Speaking of which, I should probably rethink that one, no matter how much I like the cool-flavored Diet Cokes.
Anxiety Brain: But I love the caffeine in the cool-flavored Diet Cokes. It keeps me so active and strong and-
Me: Yep, definitely need to rethink the Diet Coke.
Monday, May 28
Me: Oh, fun! An invite!
Anxiety Brain: I mean, are you sure you want to go?
Me: Well, one of my hopes for the summer was to be included in other people's lives, so this would be part of that.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it wasn't a mistake?
Me: I guess I don't know. I don't think so...
Anxiety Brain: And even if it wasn't, wouldn't you just feel awkward and in the way the whole time?
Me: That's highly possible. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go.
Anxiety Brain: Well, I think you'd be better off if you didn't.
Me: Or, you know, I could face my fears which most mental health professionals would tell me is how I learn to stop listening to you.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be easier if you didn't?
Me: Easier is true. I'm well-aware that it would be easier. I'm trying to not remind myself that it would be easier. Even though easier feels like such a better option right now.
Anxiety Brain: Then again, if you don't go, you'll probably never get invited to anything again.
Me: See, you're not allowed to play both sides. It makes it impossible to figure out how to handle situations like this.
Anxiety Brain: But it's so much more fun for me that way!
Me: Yeah, well it's really not fun for me that way!
Anxiety Brain: Well, that's kind of the point.
Me: I really hate how you can take happy things and turn them into full days worth of worry.
Anxiety Brain: Glad to know I'm doing my job. And if I do really well, it'll last longer than today.
Me: (Keeps searching for a way to break the anxiety cycle)
Tuesday, May 29
Anxiety Brain: So in conclusion, by the end of the summer you're going to end up unemployed, living in you parents' basement, have no means of transportation, and that lump on your neck that you've spent the last 6 months being too afraid to call and make an appointment to have checked out is most definitely cancer, and you're about to be uninsured, so you're going to burn through the savings you do have and go bankrupt, plus you really won't get hired if you have a major medical issue, so you're definitely completely screwed.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't need the unexpected 90-minute commute to have to listen to you tell me all those things over, and over, and over again.
Anxiety Brain: Don't you love that every single one of those things is based in fact?
Me: Um - you did catch the Facebook meltdown, did you not?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah, speaking of that - you're definitely going to scare people off with that one.
Me: Maybe some - but not all. Definitely not all.
Anxiety Brain: You know, one of these days I'm going to figure out how to convince you to change your phone lock screen back to a dog picture so that you won't have something to use as a constant reminder that people still like you when you feel like crap.
Me: Yeah. Sure. You keep working on that. Meanwhile, I'm going to force myself to eat the food I brought up to my room because it probably shouldn't sit out unrefrigerated for too long, and I really don't feel like having to leave the safety of my room and likely run into my roommates in order to put the food back in the fridge.
Anxiety Brain: Pretty sure it doesn't count as food when it's day-old Triple Layer Nachos from Taco Bell.
Me: At least I'm eating something!
Anxiety Brain: Wait - why are you smiling? You're supposed to feel awful right now! No more bright sides today, remember? And now you're laughing?! Why on earth are you laughing?
Me: (While laughing) Because small bright sides. Also the Mountain Dew. It was my only portable cold beverage option, so it's what I grabbed when hoarding everything I'd need to shut myself in my room for the rest of the night. But Person E would be giving my so much crap right now. And Person F would either say something like "You do you!" or they'd join in with the giving me crap - I don't know, they've done both on separate occasions. And then remember that one time when I'd really only ever planned to order water, but then before I could order, Person E started giving me such a hard time that Person G insisted on ordering a Mountain Dew for me, and I accepted because I kind of needed the small dose of caffeine that day? And now it's this whole big thing that I'll never live down, but I've chosen to embrace it and will never look at Mountain Dew the same way again? And - oh my gosh, I did it again. I found the tiny bright sides. I spent half the drive home saying "I want to hit the reset button on today" and then I found the tiny bright sides without trying, and you know what? I feel better. Wait... Dang it! I don't like being wrong. They weren't supposed to be right! They weren't supposed to go and change me! Not like this, anyway! Darn them! I hate them all!
Anxiety Brain: Really? 'Cause that'd be really great news for me.
Me: Nope. Love them all. So much.
Anxiety Brain: Well, I can hope.
Me: Yeah, well you lose this one.
Anxiety Brain: I just lost to Taco Bell leftovers and a can of Mountain Dew? 90 straight minutes of fueling your every worst fear from the last few months, and you were ready to settle in for a night of hopelessness, and then I lost to soggy, cold, leftover nachos and a can of Mountain Dew? You have got to be kidding me!
Me: I mean, and some really good people, too, but yeah, pretty much.
Anxiety Brain: Man, this was going to be such a good night for me, too.
----------
Me: You know that group of friends that I've kind of felt distant from the last couple of months?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah. They're definitely done with you. You and your negativity, and being too anxious to make it to church, not to mention that big "I hate Easter" meltdown that you had on Easter morning. There's no way they're taking you back again.
Me: Yeah, I'm not so sure all of that distance was them. Pretty sure most of that distance was me letting you convince me that they didn't like me anymore and that isolating was less painful than giving them the opportunity to actually say so. That's on you. And partially on me. But mostly on you.
Anxiety Brain: I really don't think you're thinking this through clearly...
Me: Nope. I think I'm finally thinking it through clearly. You know what made me start distancing? A Facebook status. Not even one of theirs. Just a mutual friend's.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I remember - Person V's about being sick of all the Facebook venting and deciding to say "goodbye" to all those people. And that was right about the time you were spewing all your anxiety rants, so that status was definitely all about being sick of you. And that whole group of friends really respects what Person V has to say, so they definitely agree with Person V.
Me: See, that's all you saying that. You know when any of them ever said anything like that? Never.
Anxiety Brain: But what about that general request for people in the group to reconnect with God? I mean, after your Easter meltdown, that one was definitely directed at you.
Me: Technically it said to "stay connected or reconnect." And that message was sent to the whole group. Not just me. And I don't know what's going on in everyone else's lives because you convinced me a while before that that none of them liked me anymore. Plus, I mean, I kind of still want to get myself back to church. Not that I really know where I'm going to go, but I still want to get back.
Anxiety Brain: Well, too late now. Sorry about that - or not really sorry, actually, but you know what I mean. Either way it's all over. Especially now that you don't have a reason to see them on a regular basis this summer.
Me: Well, People W & X are hosting a social gathering in a couple of weeks, and I'll be there, and then I'll find other ways to get reconnected. That whole group? They're family. I'm not giving up on family just yet.
Anxiety Brain: You haven't talked to most any of them in months. You still haven't even texted Person Y back, and you're the one that texted Person Y in the first place. It's going to be awkward.
Me: Well, I'll keep working on being less flaky. Plus, look - Person Z just sent me a cute Winnie the Pooh illustration and conversation between Pooh and Piglet about how sometimes everyone feels "Not Very Okay At All," and how that's an okay and normal feeling, and that it's important to tell the people that care about you when you feel that way.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, yay! You're crying again!
Me: Happy tears. Because Person Z still cares. And I'm betting that means that the rest of them still care too.
Anxiety Brain: This was supposed to be such a good night for me...
Wednesday, May 30
Anxiety Brain: So you know all those people that you call "friends."
Me: Oh good. This one again. What do you have to say about them today?
Anxiety Brain: Well, I know that you mostly like to keep them around to annoy me-
Me: Or mostly because I enjoy their company - that fact that they annoy you is mostly a nice added bonus.
Anxiety Brain: Well, whatever your reason. Have you ever stopped to think about why on earth they like to keep you around?
Me: Not really...
Anxiety Brain: Because, seriously, I spend 24/7 with you, and it's no picnic. I mean, the only reason I stick around is because it's fun winning, and I win basically every fight we have. Are you sure that it's not just that they pity you and how depressing it is that you never beat me?
Me: Pretty sure that's not it.
Anxiety Brain: Or maybe it's just that they're tolerating your existence and looking forward to when you hit one of those stretches where you listen to me and isolate yourself from the rest of the world?
Me: No, I really don't think that's it either.
Anxiety Brain: Well if it's not tolerance or pity, why on earth would they want to keep you around?
Me: ...
Anxiety Brain: Have fun with that one for the rest of the day!
Me: You know, for the record, if I had a choice about keeping you around, you would have been gone about 22 years ago when you first decided to move in.
Anxiety Brain: But aren't glad you're stuck with me?
Me: You know, there are at least a few dozen other words that I would use, but "glad" is not one of them.
----------
Anxiety Brain: You know those teachers on the other side of your shared office space? They're definitely whispering about you.
Me: (Pauses to listen for a moment) No, I'm pretty sure they're not.
Anxiety Brain: Well, if they weren't before, they definitely are now because they could tell that you were eavesdropping.
Me: (Deap breath) Just two and a half more afternoons in this building. Just two and a half more afternoons...
(It's possible that this conversation repeated itself an embarrassing number of times throughout the afternoon...)
----------
Me: Oh, yay! Someone actually responded to the link! That means actual conversation might happen. I like actual conversation! That's how learning happens!
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid.
Me: But I have ideas and things to say. I mean, they're not really fully-formed ideas yet, but I have thoughts that I'd kind of like to share.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid, and they're going to lose all respect for you as a teacher.
Me: So... maybe I wait to see if a few other friends respond before I add my 2 cents?
Anxiety Brain: What if no one else responds?
Me: Then... I force myself to stop listening to you and just write what I think?
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid!
Me: You're an annoying level of frustrating right now
Anxiety Brain: Just doing my job!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Anxiety Brain: It stopped you from saying anything
Me: Okay, fine. You did your job. You can just go away now.
Thursday, May 31
Anxiety Brain: You're negative. And you overshare. And everyone hates you.
Me: See, you know what sucks is that for the first time in about a week, I actually believe you. Dang it! Why the heck do I actually believe you?
Anxiety Brain: Because you've decided to give up your delusion that people will actually like you despite your flaws and are finally admitting that I was right.
Me: Or maybe because all the energy I've been using to deal with life stress the last few days had to be taken from the energy I've been using to combat you lately
Anxiety Brain: Either way, I managed to convince you to give up the delusion that people actually like you, and it was way easier than I thought. You should be ashamed for losing so easily.
Me: See, now you're just being cruel.
Anxiety Brain: You know what would make you feel way better? Checking social media every 3 minutes just to remind yourself that no one cares and no one likes you.
Me: Or you know, that other people have jobs and lives and end-of-school-year stress to deal with instead of spending all their time on Facebook...
Anxiety Brain: Then why do you keep checking your phone every few minutes and then feeling like crap when you see that I was right?
Me: Solid question, and something about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results definitely comes to mind.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, insane, delusional, worthy of being shunned. Whatever keeps you feeling worthless, hopeless, and isolated.
Me: You are so many levels of non-helpful today...
----------
Anxiety Brain: You know, your "friends" have this conspiracy going where they're only paying attention to your happy, positive posts so you'll stop raining on their parade with your depressing existence and will learn to keep all that darkness bottled up inside where no one else has to put up with it. It's this whole operant conditioning thing.
Me: I highly doubt that.
Me: I highly doubt that.
Anxiety Brain: Then why do you feel so anxious? And why are you considering just being fake happy on social media from now on?
Me: Because it's been a long day, and I am literally out of energy to fight you
Anxiety Brain: Any reinforcements on the horizon?
Me: Not looking like it.
Anxiety Brain: See. I told you. They're plotting against you. If they stop supporting you when you say you feel like crap, you'll stop saying anything when you feel like crap, and the world will be a better place without you and all your dark and twisty feelings.
Me: Wait...
Anxiety Brain: I don't like the sound of that...
Me: I changed my phone's lock screen for a reason.
Anxiety Brain: Again? I'm losing to that stupid screenshot you set to be your lock screen again? Seriously?
Me: Also really awesome people, but yep. This is the reason I put it there.
Anxiety Brain: See, it's just not fair that I have to keep fighting them on days they don't show up on their own.
Me: You want to talk about fair? Don't even get me started on all the things that you do that aren't fair.
Anxiety Brain: Fine, then. Back to the drawing board...
Friday, June 1
Me: So, remember how earlier this week you talked me into feeling the need to check my phone every few minutes and tried to convince me that every time I didn't have new notifications it meant that no one liked me anymore?
Anxiety Brain: Oh, yeah. That was a good day for me.
Me: Sure. Well, you know what's a really great way to break that cycle?
Anxiety Brain: Who do I have to fight this time?
Me: Pretty much everyone. Birthdays are really great for phone notifications. As in even when I feel the need to check my phone every few minutes, there's always a new notification. Or two or three. Or sometimes even more than that.
Anxiety Brain: So what are you going to do tomorrow when the notifications stop?
Me: I'll figure that out tomorrow. Today you have one less tool to use against me, and given that I woke up in an anxiety funk this morning, I'll take every win I can get today.
Anxiety Brain: But what about-
Me: Nope. Being continually reminded that people still care is literally what's getting me through the day right now, and you don't get to take that away.
Friday, June 1
Me: So, remember how earlier this week you talked me into feeling the need to check my phone every few minutes and tried to convince me that every time I didn't have new notifications it meant that no one liked me anymore?
Anxiety Brain: Oh, yeah. That was a good day for me.
Me: Sure. Well, you know what's a really great way to break that cycle?
Anxiety Brain: Who do I have to fight this time?
Me: Pretty much everyone. Birthdays are really great for phone notifications. As in even when I feel the need to check my phone every few minutes, there's always a new notification. Or two or three. Or sometimes even more than that.
Anxiety Brain: So what are you going to do tomorrow when the notifications stop?
Me: I'll figure that out tomorrow. Today you have one less tool to use against me, and given that I woke up in an anxiety funk this morning, I'll take every win I can get today.
Anxiety Brain: But what about-
Me: Nope. Being continually reminded that people still care is literally what's getting me through the day right now, and you don't get to take that away.
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