Sunday, June 17
Anxiety Brain: Hey, we haven't had one of our daily dozens of conversations about whether or not you're going to that social gathering yet.
Me: That's because I've decided to take the day off.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come on, I don't have that much more time to bother you about it, and this has been really fun for me, spinning you in constant circles.
Me: But there's still more time, and I'm not going to spend all of that time going back and forth on a theoretically simple yes-or-no decision. I'm taking today off. I'll freak out again tomorrow.
Anxiety Brain: But you talked to The Roommate about it!
Me: Because The Roommate brought it up. And, by the way, countered literally everything you've been telling me.
Anxiety Brain: Which is why I should be allowed ample time to argue my case again.
Me: You've had plenty of time. You still have time after today. But today I'm taking the day off.
Anxiety Brain: But-
Me: Nope. Taking the day off. And pulling out the self-made art therapy project again because I can never manage to focus on you at the same time as I'm working on that project.
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Anxiety Brain: You know, one of these days, other people are going to figure out when you reference them in your postings about our conversations.
Me: And that is why I use randomly-assigned letters, and there's no rhyme or reason to the letters assigned other than what sounds good at the moment that I choose them, and the letters never refer to the same person twice (at least not intentionally).
Anxiety Brain: Except sometimes it's pretty obvious who you're talking about. And they're going to figure it out.
Me: Technically possible.
Anxiety Brain: And the ones that show up more frequently than others are going to think you're a crazy stalker.
Me: Okay, that's a little bit of an over-exaggeration.
Anxiety Brain: But there are some that show up more frequently than others.
Me: True.
Anxiety Brain: And once they figure it out, they're not going to be particularly happy about it.
Me: Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Anxiety Brain: Really?
Me: Nope, but I'm trying really hard not to think about it.
Monday, June 18
Anxiety Brain: Your "worry-free" day is over. We get to talk about it again.
Me: You know, I'm not all that worried about it right now, and I have a week to figure out my plan anyway.
Anxiety Brain: But what if the invite was a mistake?
Me: I really don't feel like this right now.
Anxiety Brain: If it was a mistake, it'll be really awkward for you to show up.
Me: Here we go again.
Anxiety Brain: But if it wasn't a mistake and you don't show, you're going to offend them and ruin the friendship.
Me: You know what would be way more fun than this?
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I know! Over-analyzing every interaction you've had with other people for the last few months.
Me: Or I could binge-watch a show on Netflix while playing phone games all day.
Anxiety Brain: That's not fun! You don't listen to me when you do that!
Me: I didn't say it would be more fun for you.
Tuesday, June 19
Anxiety Brain: You're never going to fit in with that group.
Me: I'm still the newcomer. Integrating takes time. And I'm at least working to have a chance to connect with a number of them on an individual basis. It's a start. It counts for something.
Anxiety Brain: But you're the one doing the work of connecting with people. When have they ever been the ones to reach out to make plans?
Me: I mean, I guess they haven't. Except that one time that I went out to dinner with some of them - and that invite came from Person T... Oh my gosh I just realized something.
Anxiety Brain: This doesn't sound good for me.
Me: I don't think the invite was a mistake.
Anxiety Brain: But how can you really know that?
Me: The invite came from Person T. This isn't the first time they've invited me to be a part of things. I don't think the invite was a mistake.
Anxiety Brain: If you show up, it's going to be awkward.
Me: Not going to worry about that right now. I'm going to celebrate the little triumph and that fact that I feel calm about this situation for the first time in weeks.
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Anxiety Brain: You just told Person C that this is the loud seating section at Lynx games.
Me: Well, it is.
Anxiety Brain: But you're generally never loud. And now Person C feels like they have to be loud, and they're going to be mad at you if you're not also loud.
Me: I suppose I could be a little louder.
Anxiety Brain: You'd better be. Otherwise it's going to get really awkward between you and Person C.
Me: You're probably right.
(A while later)
Anxiety Brain: You're not being loud enough.
Me: I'm just not a loud person, especially on nights that the rest of the crowd isn't as amped up. I'm just going to be me tonight.
Anxiety Brain: Good luck with Person C.
Me: Just go away.
Wednesday, June 21
Anxiety Brain: Your new blog post isn't any good.
Me: It's not really my best piece of writing ever, but it has some really good moments. Plus I revised a lot during each of my 3 read-throughs.
Anxiety Brain: It's too long.
Me: Yeah, but I don't know what to cut out at this point.
Anxiety Brain: People are going to get mad at you if you keep mentioning them in your posts.
Me: This again?
Anxiety Brain: I know you're vague about it, but, really, they're going to figure it out, and they're going to get mad. You should stop writing about other people.
Me: Well, here's the deal. If I'm writing about coping with Social Anxiety Disorder, my challenges and triumphs frequently include other people. So I can't just stop including other people in my writing.
Anxiety Brain: I suppose it doesn't really even make a difference seeing as no one is going to read this post. You're about 45 minutes beyond your optimal posting window.
Me: It could be worse. I still want to post it tonight, so this will have to do.
Anxiety Brain: You still don't have to publish it.
Me: Except I just did.
Anxiety Brain: And how do you feel about yourself?
Me: Sick to my stomach and physically shaking.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to do this again next week?
Me: I think so. Maybe. Hopefully? I think it's good for me to take the risk every week.
Anxiety Brain: You want to feel sick and be shaking again next week?
Me: Not that part, but I still think taking the risk of sharing what I write is probably good for me.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, we'll see how you feel a week from now.
Thursday, June 22
Person L: (Via Facebook comment) It doesn't matter what you wear as long as you are there.
Me: Oh, I like that! That's awesome!
Anxiety Brain: Except you realize it's totally not true, right?
Me: But remember that time this spring when I accidentally wore my sweats to go out with the cast after the show instead of throwing jeans on? You had me super freaked out, but no one said anything. I don't think they even noticed.
Anxiety Brain: They didn't say anything to your face. But they probably did behind your back.
Me: Crap, I hadn't thought of that.
Anxiety Brain: They all definitely judged you for your sweats.
Me: But Person L was one of the people who was there that night, so it was probably fine.
Anxiety Brain: Maybe Person L thought so, but what about everyone else in the room?
Me: You know, you have a habit of taking good things and turning them bad.
Anxiety Brain: Thank you! I work really hard at it. Actually, most of the time I don't. You're really not hard to get off track.
Me: And, we're going to be done now.
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Anxiety Brain: You're going into a store and you're all covered in dark brown speckles.
Me: I mean, I just got done staining boxes for The Roommate's wedding, and the store is between her parents' house and our townhouse, so it makes sense to stop on the way, and I'll get cleaned up when I get home.
Anxiety Brain: Your arm looks diseased.
Me: I mean, it kind of looks like it got splattered by a really dirty mud puddle, but for as long as I'll be in the store, it's fine.
Anxiety Brain: Good thing you're going to the trashy one, because the other one would never let you in.
Me: Yes, Walmart has its advantages over Target this time.
Anxiety Brain: On the other hand, with as gross as you look between the stain splatter and the sunburn, you might wind up on the People of Walmart website.
Me: I feel like Minnesotans are too nice for that.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure?
Me: Nope, but that's what I'm going to tell myself.
Friday, June 22
Anxiety Brain: Did you see that Person X who invited you to that thing this weekend has another friend with the same first name as you?
Me: I did catch that scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that when Person X sent you the invite they didn't accidentally click on you instead of the other person with the same first name who they actually intended to invite?
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: The invite was a mistake.
Me: Literally everyone else I've talked to tells me that it wasn't a mistake and that Person X invited me because they want me there.
Anxiety Brain: It was a mistake, and you're going to make it awkward when you show up
Me: How many times are we going to do this?
Anxiety Brain: Until you decide you're not going to go.
Me: Maybe I won't. Maybe I'm tired of fighting this battle.
Anxiety Brain: Then again, if the invite was legit, Person X is going to be mad at you for not coming.
Me: Honestly, just knowing their personality, they might not even notice.
Anxiety Brain: They will. And they'll be upset, and it'll destroy your friendship.
Me: So basically you're telling me that no matter what I do, Person X won't like me anymore.
Anxiety Brain: Exactly!
Me: I'm so not doing this right now.
Anxiety Brain: I'm going to make you stay awake until you start listening to me.
Me: I really hate nights like this.
Saturday, June 23
Anxiety Brain: The invite was a mistake.
Me: I don't think so.
Anxiety Brain: It was a mistake, and you're going to show up, and they'll think you're some sort of crazy stalker.
Me: I did not get enough sleep last night to be able to handle this today.
Anxiety Brain: And once they realize you're a crazy stalker, that friendship is over.
Me: Please just stop.
Anxiety Brain: But the invite was a mistake. And you're going to show up, and it'll be awkward, and you'll lose that friend.
Me: (Panic attack ensues)
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