Sunday, June 3
Anxiety Brain: Why are you even bothering to apply for that job?
Me: Because I need a job, it's elementary music, and it not only keeps me living in the general location that I want to be but it's in a familiar district.
Anxiety Brain: You're never going to get it.
Me: Well, I can at least apply.
Anxiety Brain: But Person N hates you. And Person N wields a lot of power in the hiring process in that district.
Me: I mean, Person N has never said anything specifically negative to me.
Anxiety Brain: But have they ever said anything positive that doesn't sound fake? Plus, you've seen all the bad-mouthing that happens behind people's backs around there.
Me: You've got me there.
Anxiety Brain: You'll never get hired in that district again as long as Person N holds that much power. Why bother putting in the energy of even applying?
Me: Because it's worth a shot. And maybe this time I get to prove you wrong.
Anxiety Brain: And how well did that go for you last year?
Me: You can just shut up now.
Anxiety Brain: But why would I shut up when I know you're still listening?
Me: I really hate that you're right...
Monday, June 4
Anxiety Brain: You know how I know that this is going to be a good week for me?
Me: How?
Anxiety Brain: Because you've deleted almost every one of our conversations that you've started to write down over the last couple of days. And you've chosen to not even bother writing down about twice that number of conversations.
Me: Trying to not be redundant.
Anxiety Brain: And you're too embarrassed to share most of them.
Me: Well, there's also that.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that your inability to beat me in the little things is ridiculous. So is the fact that you still feel anxious about things that happened a week ago.
Me: Yeah, that too.
Anxiety Brain: And you know that you're asking too much of people to support you in a week when most people in your social circles are already stressed out.
Me: And that.
Anxiety Brain: I'm really looking forward to the quality time we're going to spend together this week.
Me: Yeah, I'm most definitely not.
Anxiety Brain: But you know it's still going to happen.
Me: Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: You know what would be really great?
Me: What?
Anxiety Brain: If we try to do this exact same thing all summer.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: Does that mean you've actually started to reach out to people to make plans yet?
Me: Nope. Waiting until the week is done and people are less busy.
Anxiety Brain: You're not going to feel any more courageous then than you will now.
Me: Well, I can hope.
Anxiety Brain: Good luck with that.
Thursday, June 7
Me: I've officially reached the numb-and-detached level of anxiety. This hasn't happened in a few months. I'm still really not a fan.
Anxiety Brain: You know you aren't allowed to tell anyone, right? That's the kind of thing that scares people off.
Me: Even though my downward spiral over the last week or so is basically a result of me not interacting enough with people in my support system?
Anxiety Brain: You're not allowed to bother anyone with your stress and worry until after the school year is over, remember? Most of them have too much going on right now to have to deal with you and your petty concerns.
Me: Numbness and detachment aren't petty concerns. Numbness and detachment are signs that I'm very much not in a good mental health place. And headed for worse without intervention.
Anxiety Brain: You're still not allowed to talk about it.
Me: Yeah, I know, not until the school year is over. I swear I'm going to send so many messages on Monday to try to find times to connect with people over the summer.
Anxiety Brain: Awesome, that means I still have a few more days to convince you that you're better off just resigning yourself to the company of me and only me all summer rather than seeing if people want to hang out with and inevitably being rejected by them. Or scaring them off by whatever you say if you do hang out.
Me: Trying so hard to not listen to you right now.
Anxiety Brain: How's that working out for you?
Me: Not well. So many frustrating levels of not well...
Friday, June 8
Anxiety Brain: Remember that interview question about discipline?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Remember these half dozen things that you thought about including in your answer and then didn't actually say out loud?
Me: Oh, yeah. Oops...
Anxiety Brain: You completely fumbled that question. You're not going to get that job based solely and how horribly you fumbled that question.
Me: If I don't get it, I'm sure it will be based on more than one question.
Anxiety Brain: And you're not going to get anymore interviews this year, so way to blow your only opportunity.
Me: There will still be a chance at more opportunities. I'm sure that won't be my only one.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. That was your only one, and you screwed it up. Have fun with unemployment next year.
Me: See, you are 90% the reason I hate job hunting.
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Anxiety Brain: You made a homemade card?
Me: Yep! And the whole process shut you up for about an hour last night while I was working on it, so I vote it was a good move by me.
Anxiety Brain: It's on a basic piece of printer paper using a technique inspired by an art project you did when you were in 2nd Grade. Person F is going to think that it's dumb.
Me: I think it looks kind of cool. Plus Person F works in an elementary school, and elementary school staff have a tendency to still like some of the same things that young kids like.
Anxiety Brain: Person F is going to think it's stupid and that you're ridiculous for thinking that card was a good idea.
Me: Well, too late now. I don't have time to get or make a different card and rewrite the message inside, so it will have to do.
(A few hours later)
Me: (Hands "Thank You" card to Person F)
Person F: Thanks! Oh, that's really cool! (Looks at it more closely) Wait, did you make this?
Me: Yep.
Person F: Wow! It's so fancy!
Me: (Beams)
Anxiety Brain: Well that was unexpected.
Me: (Internally to Anxiety Brain) You know, between that reaction and the fact that the process of making it shut you up for most of the time I was making it last night, I vote I should start making cards like that more often.
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Anxiety Brain: So, you're surrounded by a bunch of real adults complaining about things their teenagers do that drive them crazy.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You realize you do about 90% of those things, right?
Me: Pretty well-established that I'm a slob.
Anxiety Brain: Well, you know that, and I know that, and your roommates certainly know that - and can't wait until you move out for that very reason, by the way - but what would all these people you're surrounded by think about you if they knew that?
Me: And that's why I'm keeping my mouth shut.
Anxiety Brain: You're 29 and your cleaning and clutter standards are still no better than a high schooler's. You should be ashamed.
Me: I mean, I could name at least half a dozen people my age or older who are worse.
Anxiety Brain: Not by much, though.
Me: Currently, true. When I have my own space, I'm better. Having my own space takes fuel away from you saying that my roommates are watching and judging my every move when I de-clutter and clean. Or, if they're not around for the actual process, that they'll judge the way I de-clutter and clean as soon as they see the results.
Anxiety Brain: Your own space? Like your van?
Me: Okay, the van is a different story. It was never quite that bad before this year when it became my lunchroom, office, storage space, etc.
Anxiety Brain: Hey, remember that time that Person V saw how much of a disaster area your van was? They're still totally judging you for that, by the way.
Me: 1) Why are we talking about something that happened that long ago? 2) Pretty sure Person V doesn't judge me for it, at least not in a permanently-damaging way.
Anxiety Brain: But you're still embarrassed by it.
Me: Enough to at least consider trying to do better in the future. Which, you know, isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't change the fact that everyone at this table would judge you if they saw your house right now, especially your room.
Me: And that's why I'm going to sit here quietly until they choose a new topic of conversation.
Saturday, June 9
Anxiety Brain: Wow. It was really dumb of you to post that question about being asked to bring copies of your resume and reference letters to your interview next week.
Me: Yeah, tending to agree with you on that one right now.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, I already knew that you suck at interviews, but look how many other people know it now, too.
Me: It's not like I don't usually bring that paperwork; it's just that I've never specifically been asked to bring those things in my 6 years of job hunting, and you were there telling me that there was something wrong with my application and that I should be freaking out.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, it's you, so there probably was something wrong with your application, and you should always be freaking out about job hunting because I don't understand why anyone would want to hire you, but you're not supposed to actually tell people these things. Now they all understand why you can't manage to land or keep a job.
Me: Or they understand that I'm stressed out and are trying to be helpful?
Anxiety Brain: Try again.
Me: Maybe this is why I can't manage to land and keep a job...
Anxiety Brain: See, you know I'm right.
Me: Or instead of thinking about that, I could think about my conversations with Person R & Person S yesterday. They were both confident that I did a great job this year. And they both seemed to believe that I'd manage to land in the same district again next year.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not such a fan of Person R and Person S. I don't think you should listen to them.
Me: That's just because they were the first two people I talked to after my interview yesterday and those conversations managed to shut you up for a couple of hours.
Anxiety Brain: But me shutting up doesn't do you any good.
Me: I beg to differ. I think that Person R & Person S are right on this one.
Anxiety Brain: You weren't supposed to find colleagues you wanted to listen to this year.
Me: Better late than never!
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Anxiety Brain: I really don't think you should go to that social gathering tonight.
Me: Not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you haven't seen any of them in 3 months.
Me: Hence the wanting to go.
Anxiety Brain: It's going to be awkward.
Me: It'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Definitely awkward.
Me: Still not gonna stop me.
Anxiety Brain: But you feel sick to your stomach. You can use that as an excuse. You really shouldn't go. You'll feel better if you stay home.
Me: The sick to my stomach is 100% caused by you. And I usually wind up feeling worse if I back out last-minute. So I'm not going to back out. I'm going to go. I'm probably going to feel anxious for at least part of the time. But I'm still going to go.
Anxiety Brain: I'm going to keep bugging you until you listen to me.
Me: You do that. Meanwhile, I'm going to show up there and probably find myself surrounded by people who help drown out your voice, and once that happens, I'll have a good time.
Anxiety Brain: But what if they don't actually want you there?
Me: Generally invites don't happen unless people think I'm worth having around.
Anxiety Brain: But what if-
Me: You know, you may as well save your energy for a different argument, because you've already lost this one.
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