Week 9: July 8-14, 2018

Sunday, July 8

Anxiety Brain: There are law enforcement vehicles on the median.
Me: Yeah, I caught that.
Anxiety Brain: Barely.
Me: Earlier than I usually do!
Anxiety Brain: You're going too fast. You're going to get pulled over.
Me: I'm going within the generally accepted range above the speed limit.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to get pulled over.
Me: I think I would have seen flashing lights behind me by now.
Anxiety Brain: But you're still watching your rearview mirror, aren't you.
Me: Like a hawk.
Anxiety Brain: Make sure you're looking forward, too. Otherwise you're going to crash.
Me: Trying my best!
----------
Anxiety Brain: You are the only person in the room who's not wearing a dress.
Me: I noticed.
Anxiety Brain: What is wrong with you that you're not dressed up for this event?
Me: Every event of this type that I've been to before has been casual. I never even thought to dress up.
Anxiety Brain: And the white jacket was definitely a mistake.
Me: Yep. Poor choice. Didn't even think about it until I got here. At least it isn't all white - it has black streaks.
Anxiety Brain: And the gift you got totally doesn't fit in with the ones that everyone else got.
Me: It was on the registry. It still counts as a reasonable gift.
Anxiety Brain: Everyone is judging you.
Me: Quite likely.
Anxiety Brain: And you have to see all these people again multiple times this week.
Me: Yeah. Not sure I'm looking forward to that part of the week.
Anxiety Brain: Look at the bright side - you have time for about a million more possibilities to make a complete fool of yourself because you don't know what you're doing.
Me: I don't think that counts as a bright side.
Anxiety Brain: It's a bright side for me. It means I get about a million more possibilities to remind you how inept you are as an adult, or, you know, a human being in general.
Me: Your bright sides don't at all resemble my bright sides.
Anxiety Brain: Why? What do your bright sides look like?
Me: Realizing that even though this wasn't a particularly comfortable afternoon and evening, I'm apparently still in control of my nervous system right now. I don't feel like I need to run away. I don't feel physically ill. I don't feel like I'm going to burst into tears. I feel like an introvert who's spent the last few hours surrounded by people during which time I had a very minimal number of brief meaningful conversations and who is exhausted by that kind of activity. But I don't feel panicked. And I have no physical anxiety symptoms right now.
Anxiety Brain: Wait - how is it that you don't actually feel anxious right now? That makes no sense. You've never felt awkward and out-of-place without feeling physical anxiety symptoms before. In fact, usually the physical anxiety symptoms come first.
Me: I know. Apparently you're losing power in that battleground, too.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not convinced you can keep it up. You still have multiple gatherings this week that are larger than today's and that include even more unfamiliar people along with the ones from today. There's no way you manage to repeat the way you feel right now over half of the days this week.
Me: True. I don't know what will happen the rest of the week. But today is a huge triumph, and I'm going to spend the rest of the day celebrating it. Plus there are two scheduled times this week that I get to spend time with people whose company is energizing and confidence-boosting, and I choose to believe that the positive social time will more than make up for the social events that I'm more apprehensive about.
Anxiety Brain: That sounds like way too much social time. You should probably cancel some of that social time. And since the stuff you're nervous about is technically more important in the grand scheme of things, you should probably cancel one of the things with that group of people that I don't like as much.
Me: Nice try. There's no way that I'm cancelling those things. Just going to have to figure out how to focus on self care in the free time I do have.
Anxiety Brain: But we always start to cancel non-essential things when you're worried about a social event.
Me: Yeah, the only thing likely to get cancelled this week is the dog's overnight at my parents' on Friday, which would be more to my benefit than yours. Plus after last week and then today, I'm actually starting to trust that I've turned a corner and might start beating you more often.
Anxiety Brain: We could still go back to the old way. I have the perfect idea - we could have the argument about your packing and moving ineptitude again!
Me: Nope. Not today. Today I win.
Anxiety Brain: But I really think that if we talk about moving-
Me: Nope. Done. I win. You can try again tomorrow. Emphasis on the word try. Actually, why don't you wait until Tuesday. I get the feeling that tomorrow's going to be a good day, too.
Anxiety Brain: But-
Me: Nope. I'm done listening. We can talk again on Tuesday.


Monday, July 9

Me: Wait - when did you get control of my nervous system again. I mean, I've been slightly anxious since I woke up because lack of sleep combined with realistic dreams are so many levels of not helpful, but I was definitely not in fight-or-flight mode until this moment in time.
Anxiety Brain: Well, after yesterday you kind of let your guard down and became a much easier target again.
Me: So in trying to not let you run my life I actually made it easier for you to run my life.
Anxiety Brain: Pretty much.
Me: That is so many levels of not fair.
Anxiety Brain: Well, I feel like the fact that you keep hanging out with people I don't like is so many levels of not fair.
Me: That is so not the same thing.
Anxiety Brain: Either way, I have control of your nervous system.
Me: Fine. I'll breathe through it. I'll deal with it. I'll tolerate it. And as soon as I get there I'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: Will you really, though?
Me: Last time it was great!
Anxiety Brain: Last time you were freaked out the entire time.
Me: It was a first, and it was new, and now it's not, and it's going to be fine.
Anxiety Brain: And how are you so sure of that?
Me: Because last time I was freaked out that I'd manage to do something to make Person G not want to be around anymore. And now Person G is aware of that, and I'm pretty sure if I haven't managed to scare them away yet, it's not going to happen.
Anxiety Brain: But are you really sure?
Me: Actually about 99% positive. Which is pretty impressive given that this is me.
Anxiety Brain: But are you really sure.
Me: You can keep asking that question, but my answer is still going to be the same.
Anxiety Brain: Well I still have control of your nervous system.
Me: That you do. But you won't for much longer. So even if you win right now, I get to win by the end of the day.
----------
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you didn't say anything stupid today?
Me: Not as many stupid things as last time. Plus conversational flow was an actual thing. And I never ran out of things to say. In fact, there were many things that I wanted to say and respond to that just didn't make it out in the flow of conversation. Which is fine because there will be many more conversations to come.
Anxiety Brain: You complained too much, though. I think we should go back and remember all the times you complained so that you can feel guilty about every single one.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, if you're going to shut me down like last time, I'll just think of fun ways to make you explode again.
Me: No. Not going to shut you down completely. I'd rather not have the same kind of anxiety explosion that I did last time.
Anxiety Brain: So you're going to join me in going back and micro-analyzing your conversation for every time you complained?
Me: No I'm going to sit and listen to you and let you do your thing and then remind myself that it was fine and you tend to over-exaggerate what actually happened. I'll ride the wave until you get bored and go away.
Anxiety Brain: But you're too negative. And Person T doesn't like negative people. And if you don't listen to me, eventually they're not going to want to be friends with you.
Me: So positivity and optimism are things that I'm working on. I know that. I'm pretty sure that Person T knows that. And it's not going to end the friendship.
Anxiety Brain: But there was that time you said... (keeps talking)
Me: Just going to ride the wave, and remember that it was a great morning, and there's nothing to worry about.
----------
Anxiety Brain: See, Person B thinks that you should stop writing the blog about me, too.
Me: They never actually said that.
Anxiety Brain: But that really seems like what the conversation was implying, doesn't it?
Me: Yeah. Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: I told you that this blog was a bad idea. Especially because you're giving everyone the wrong idea about me.
Me: Pretty sure my therapist would disagree on that last part. And I like writing it down. It helps me process stuff.
Anxiety Brain: If the point is processing, why share it with the world?
Me: Well, for one, it helps me connect with other people who have anxiety issues. Because I like to think that there are people who can relate and are thankful to know that they're not alone. And because occasionally when I write about something I did or said that feels completely stupid, it's nice to get comments from other people who say that they've had some of those same experiences.
Anxiety Brain: But you share a lot of those things any time you talk to your friends who have anxiety issues. Why share it with the world?
Me: Because it's my own version of exposure therapy. Because when I feel too afraid to share the everyday struggles of dealing with you, both big and small, it's often hard to talk about it, especially with people that don't live it every day, and when I know they've read about it first, it's easier to have the real-life conversations, even if it's not about the big topics.
Anxiety Brain: That seems like the immature, passive-aggressive approach, doesn't it?
Me: Maybe. But sharing somehow has to be better than not sharing it all. And I try to keep it vague so that theoretically people can only be identified if they were there when it happened - if even that. And someday I'll get to the point where I can be a grown-up and have the scary conversations. But this is a step. I like to think that it's a good one.
Anxiety Brain: Person B doesn't seem to think so.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Anxiety Brain: Remember that time you shared stuff you wrote with Person C? And remember how Person C told Person D? And then it blew up in your face. Are you the sure that's not the same thing now with Person E? Maybe Person B is questioning you because Person E contacted them.
Me: Okay, 1) That thing with Person C is a topic we agreed to never, ever discuss-
Anxiety Brain: No. I never agreed. You just have had a lot of experience only half-listening to me and feeling awful until you find something distracting enough to forget what I was reminding you of.
Me: Whatever. Now, 2) This is 100% not the same thing because I was still a kid then, and I'm not now. We are all grown-ups
Anxiety Brain: But you're still kind of a kid to both Person B and Person E.
Me: Okay, that's something that you keep saying, but I really don't think that's how I'm viewed, at least not entirely.
Anxiety Brain: Are you really sure, though?
Me: Not really.
Anxiety Brain: Because, I mean, you kind of ruined things with Person C. And I don't think you want to do that with Person E. Unless you've already managed that one.
Me: Crap, what if I ruined things and am about to repeat the literal most-regretted mistake of my entire life?
Anxiety Brain: I mean, I kind of think that's what's happening.
Me: What if all the time I've spent this spring and summer trying to be open and being really proud of not hiding things any more was a massive mistake and no one actually likes this version of me and I should have just stayed isolated where it's safe.
Anxiety Brain: I'm just sayin'.
Me: But I kind of hated isolation.
Anxiety Brain: But what if people liked it better when you weren't around and built walls up around yourself? I mean, I really don't understand why people want you around in the first place.
Me: And we're back to that argument again, huh?
Anxiety Brain: Which one? We have so many.
Me: The one where I know exactly why I want other people in my life.
Anxiety Brain: Which is totally selfish.
Me: Because I have no clue why on earth they want me around.
Anxiety Brain: And friendship is a two-way street.
Me: I hate this argument.
Anxiety Brain: But it's one of my favorites.
Me: I should give up and retreat, shouldn't I?
Anxiety Brain: The world is generally better off that way. And it's a lot safer for you. When you isolate you don't run the risk of trusting people only to be burned.
Me: Which has happened before.
Anxiety Brain: A lot. Which is why not trusting them and keeping to yourself is safer.
Me: Safer, but not happier.
Anxiety Brain: But doesn't safety sound so much better than happiness?
Me: Maybe... Yeah... Unfortunately.
Anxiety Brain: So you're going to listen this time?
Me: I haven't quite decided yet.


Wednesday, July 11

Anxiety Brain: You haven't made enough progress on de-cluttering/organizing/packing.
Me: I know.
Anxiety Brain: You still have a crap load of stuff to complete.
Me: I know.
Anxiety Brain: Then why did you take a break?
Me: Because my brain was fried. It felt clogged, and I knew I'd be more efficiently productive if I gave it time to clear. And I'm about ready to get going again.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not going to be done by the time your roommates are home. And they're going to be mad at you.
Me: Quite possibly. But self care is a thing, and I've spent most of my waking hours the last two days - including a late night and an early morning - taking care of stuff around the house, and I needed a break.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not going to finish in time.
Me: Highly likely.
Anxiety Brain: And they're going to be frustrated with you for the fact that the house is still buried in your messes.
Me: Also highly likely.
Anxiety Brain: Now would be a good time to panic.
Me: Because that's productive.
Anxiety Brain: It would make me feel a lot better.
Me: But I'm almost ready to get started again. Panicking would keep me from getting stuff done.
Anxiety Brain: But you're not going to get done in time, and you need to take time to freak out about it. A panic attack seems fully appropriate right now.
Me: But I want to get started working again.
Anxiety Brain: Nope, I think it's panic attack time. Wait, what are you doing?
Me: Breathing.
Anxiety Brain: But that stops the panic attack from happening.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: That's no fun.
Me: Neither is the fact that I have to take time to do this instead of getting back to the de-cluttering/organizing/packing that needs to be done, so I guess we can both be annoyed, frustrated, and crabby.
Anxiety Brain: Not just us. Your roommates, too.
Me: Yeah, don't remind me.


Thursday, July 12

Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you didn't screw up the agenda?
Me: I've looked it over a bunch of times. I got the questions answered that I needed to. I think it's as ready to send as it's going to be.
Anxiety Brain: And you're sure you didn't miss anyone on the board contact list?
Me: You already made me triple check it. And I copy-pasted emails from an old board email, so there shouldn't be any typos.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to screw it up.
Me: There's only so much that can be screwed up about sending a meeting notice and a meeting agenda.
Anxiety Brain: Speaking of which, have you figured out what you're going to say in the email about calling the meeting? Because you're going to screw up that part even worse.
Me: I'm using previous meeting notice emails as a resource, so that should help. And, again, there's only so much that can be screwed up about sending a meeting notice and a meeting agenda.
Anxiety Brain: But it's your first one. You have to make a good first impression. If you mess it up, they're going to regret letting you be secretary.
Me: Pretty sure I have enough support from that group of people to be fine.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to screw it up.
Me: Too late. Email with attached agenda sent. Can't do anything about it now!
Anxiety Brain: We could worry about it now.
Me: Yeah, I have way to much to do today to spend it freaking out with you, so I'm going with the "I sent it. Can't do anything about it now!" attitude.
----------
Anxiety Brain: You could just go with option of meeting people at the start of the parade. You don't have to carpool over.
Me: Or I could be less stressed about parking and extra walking by making a phone call and saying that I want to carpool.
Anxiety Brain: But phones are scary.
Me: I'm well-aware of that fact. Which is why I've been putting off the phone call for the last few weeks.
Anxiety Brain: Then don't make it.
Me: I think I need to, though.
Anxiety Brain: But what if it's the wrong number?
Me: I copy-pasted it from the parade information in the email. Not my fault if it was their typo.
Anxiety Brain: But the wrong-number person would get upset.
Me: Going to make the call. Carpooling leaves way fewer question marks up in the air than driving myself.
Anxiety Brain: You could wait another hour. Or two. Or until it's too late to call. Wait - what did you just do?
Me: Hit the call button.
Anxiety Brain: Why? Make it stop!
Me: Too late now.
Anxiety Brain: Hang up!
Me: Nope.
Anxiety Brain: This is a bad idea.
Me: Hey, it went to voicemail! And this is the right number by the way.
(about a minute later)
Anxiety Brain: Your voicemail made no sense.
Me: Well, sometimes that's what happens when I try to talk to someone else and you won't leave me alone. Or it's possible that I'm just sleep-deprived. But I know I left my phone number very clearly.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you left the right phone number?
Me: Honestly, too sleep-deprived to remember any of it. But I did my part, and now I feel better, and I can wait to hopefully hear back, and if I don't, I'll just drive myself, but at least I tried.


Friday, July 13

Me: I need a break. I just need to take a few minutes to breathe.
Anxiety Brain: But there are other people in the house, including people who aren't your roommates who came over to help with wedding preparation stuff that you were too busy to help with. You're going to look like a horrible person if they came over to help with stuff while you're sitting around relaxing.
Me: I've been working since early this morning. I need a break.
Anxiety Brain: Just don't be surprised when they think that you're a horrible person.
Me: Self care is a thing, and that's what I'm doing right now.
Anxiety Brain: Or you could just work yourself into the ground. I mean, you'd feel like crap, but it'd be less of a crappy feeling than if everyone's mad at you for being a lazy bum who never helps with anything.
Me: And the last week of doing almost nothing but working to get the house in order has been what, then?
Anxiety Brain: You making it up for being a lazy bum for the last three years. If you did this stuff from day to day instead of putting it off, you wouldn't be in this mess.
Me: And if I didn't have to put up with you on a daily basis, doing this stuff day-to-day wouldn't have felt so nearly-impossible for the last three years.
Anxiety Brain: Well, the extra people in the house don't care. They just see that you're not helping.
Me: Maybe I'll just keep working until they go to run the errands I hear them talking about, and then I'll take the break.
Anxiety Brain: Well, as long as you're keeping up appearances. Though I'm still not convinced you should take a break.
Me: Yeah, the break is non-negotiable.
(A while later)
Me: Person X told me I should go take a nap.
Anxiety Brain: Person X doesn't know what they're talking about.
Me: But you sure seemed to think their opinion had value when you told me they thought I wasn't doing enough work.
Anxiety Brain: Well, that's when I thought they were on my side.
Me: Well, at least you admit it.
Anxiety Brain: You really shouldn't take a nap, you know.
Me: I'm not going to take a nap.
Anxiety Brain: Well finally you listen to me. Taking time away from getting the many wedding to-do list tasks done would lead to everyone hating you. What task are you going to take on now?
Me: Oh, I said I wasn't taking a nap. I didn't say I wasn't going to take a break. I'm going to take some time to work on writing until I need to hop in the shower. Because self care is a thing, and the house is currently quiet and non-chaotic, and I need to make the most of it while it lasts because as soon as more bridesmaids arrive and we head to the rehearsal dinner, there's not going to be a chance to recharge again. I need this time.
Anxiety Brain: Well, if you want people to hate you.
Me: You know, the people most likely to judge me aren't actually in the house right now, so I'm going to go with the view of what they don't know can't hurt me.
----------
Anxiety Brain: You know that conversation those girls are having about their significant others? About how the boys in their life procrastinate chores, or take multiple days to accomplish those chores, and how it drives the girls crazy? And how the boys just need to suck it up and be responsible and helpful and do things right away so that they can relax and recharge later, even if it's less time to relax and recharge? And how the girls are completely right about this topic, and the boys are frustratingly annoying for not just listening to the girls?
Me: Yeah, I caught that.
Anxiety Brain: That sounds a whole lot like you living in this house for the last three years.
Me: And that's why I'm trying really hard to ignore the conversation.
Anxiety Brain: What would they think if they knew that you were just as bad or worse than the men in their lives?
Me: There's a reason I'm not contributing to the conversation. I feel enough out-of-place in a house where I'm the only one who's not part of this pre-established tightly-knit group of friends without admitting some of my deepest insecurities to near-strangers. I mean, I know they seem super nice and all, but-
Anxiety Brain: But you know that if they knew you fell into this shared pet-peeve category of people that you really don't stand a chance at fitting in for the next 24 hours when you'll be around them pretty much constantly.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You're a horrible person. This is why your roommates are looking forward to you moving out.
Me: I just have a different personality type. And I know that I can't do everything at once and I often need to take a break and get to tackling chores in my own time. I just don't generally get to do the "in my own time" part living with people who tend to do chores right away. I know what works best for me. It may not align with what works best for these girls, but I know what works best for me. And they're not the ones I'm living with.
Anxiety Brain: But they're friends with your roommates. And your roommates probably think the same thing. Which is what I've been telling you-
Me: All week. Actually, all year. And by the end of the summer I'll have my own place, and we can stop having this argument for a while.
Anxiety Brain: So let's make the most of this while we can. These girls would so totally judge you if they knew.
Me: Going to concentrate on painting my nails and try to block out their conversation now.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure that's a good idea? Because these are some solid life lessons on getting people to like you.
Me: Nope. Going to tune out the conversation until the topic shifts.
----------
Me: It's really late. I really want to go to bed.
Anxiety Brain: But there are still wedding tasks to complete for tomorrow. And everyone else is still awake. They'll hate you if you go to bed early. And that's going to make for a super awkward day tomorrow.
Me: I have to get up extra early to bring the dog over to my parents' house. And I have to do it before our scheduled loading time so that they can fill my van with wedding stuff. No one else has to run an errand in the morning. I vote I get to go to sleep.
Anxiety Brain: But you chose that. You could have brought the dog over to your parents' house before the rehearsal tonight, and then you wouldn't have to get up early to bring him over.
Me: But I knew that I'd need puppy snuggle time to deal with a house full of unfamiliar people. And that I'm stressed out enough that I'll sleep like crap with out him here.
Anxiety Brain: Still, you made a choice.
Me: I've barely slept all week. And I'm tired. And I don't think I'll make it through the rest of the weekend unless I get sleep now.
Anxiety Brain: You haven't gotten much more sleep than the bride, and she's still up working, so you still have to be up working.
Me: Self care is a thing, and self care tells me I should get enough sleep otherwise you'll be particularly unbearable tomorrow.
Anxiety Brain: It's a wedding. A friend's wedding. Not your wedding. Tomorrow is about the bride and groom. It's not about you. So stop letting yourself think that anything you want is important.
Me: If I don't go to sleep soon, I get the feeling tomorrow will include at least one very public panic attack. Between the constant people time - mostly with people I don't know well - and the busy schedule and the chaos and the feeling clueless and out of place as the only girl in the bridal party who's never been a bridesmaid before, tomorrow is likely to include panic attacks and anxiety meltdown tears. And then it's really going to pull more focus onto me than on the bride and groom whose day it is. This is me trying to be a little selfish so that I don't unintentionally pull attention to myself tomorrow.
Anxiety Brain: They're so going to judge you if you go to bed know. And it's going to confirm all the things you roommates have probably told them about you not being a contributing member of the household.
Me: Which is why I'm sitting here annoyed that I'm not in bed yet but am still helping out with tasks until other people also decide that they're ready for sleep.


Saturday, July 14

Me: I am exhausted.
Anxiety Brain: I know. It makes for a great morning for me!
Me: I want to go back to bed.
Anxiety Brain: You have too many things to do this morning to go back to sleep.
Me: Which is why I'm awake and out of bed.
Anxiety Brain: Today's going to be a long day.
Me: That it is.
Anxiety Brain: And you're going to be surrounded by lots of unfamiliar people all day.
Me: That I am.
Anxiety Brain: And you're the only person in the bridal party who doesn't know how to be a bridesmaid.
Me: That is true.
Anxiety Brain: And you're too tired to fight me.
Me: You noticed that, huh?
Anxiety Brain: I'm really looking forward to the moment that the chaos gets to you, and you do something stupid, and then you have a panic attack in front of a bunch of people who don't understand it and think that you're a ridiculous mess.
Me: Can we please not? I don't want to mess up this day for Person V. They're one of my best friends in the world, and I don't need to add to their stress by being the bridesmaid having a panic attack and screwing everything up.
Anxiety Brain: But today has all the perfect ingredients for a very public panic attack.
Me: If I could just get some more sleep.
Anxiety Brain: Not an option.
Me: I know.
Anxiety Brain: The panic attack is going to happen. Or at least a lot of tears about how awful you are as a bridesmaid.
Me: Maybe if I can just find a little time to get some space by myself through the day.
Anxiety Brain: Today isn't about you. It's about Person V and Person W.
Me: I'm well aware. We already had this discussion. The one where I also told you that panic attacks and anxiety meltdown tears will do more to take attention off of Person V and Person W than my taking little breaks for the sake of my sanity.
Anxiety Brain: You are a terrible, horrible person for thinking you should do anything for yourself on a day that isn't about you.
Me: It's going to be a long day...
----------
Me: I look awesome. I need pictures to record how awesome I look today.
Anxiety Brain: Today isn't about you.
Me: But I never take a moment to appreciate how great I look, and today I look great.
Anxiety Brain: You're so self-absorbed.
Me: It's not like I'm flaunting it. I just want picture record. Especially of the hair. Because I haven't gotten my hair professionally styled since Person J's birthday parties at the cosmetology school when we were in elementary school. And I'm excited about how it turned out. And the stylist was excited about how it turned out. And I want picture record of it. And I want to share it.
Anxiety Brain: But today isn't about you. You're only allowed to post things about the bride and groom. Or maybe something with the other members of the bridal party.
Me: But I'm not close enough to anyone in the bridal party to ask to take pictures with them. That would be awkward. So, selfies. And maybe some assistance in getting pictures of the hair.
Anxiety Brain: Again, today isn't about you. You're so self-absorbed.
Me: So when I get around to posting pictures online, I'll do something about the wedding and how excited I am to be celebrating with the bride and groom - which is totally true - and then I'll post something later about how awesome I look today. Because I want to share both parts.
Anxiety Brain: People are going to hate you.
Me: Or maybe they'll also appreciate me looking awesome. Which I do.