Sunday, July 1
Anxiety Brain: You're wearing flip-flops.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: To church. A church you've only been to one other time. Where you don't know the dress code yet.
Me: It's raining, and none of my dress shoes are really rain-worthy. Plus I'm also wearing a teacher outfit which is a step up from what I usually wear to church on Sundays, so I vote I get to wear flip-flops.
Anxiety Brain: Speaking of which, that top dips kind of low in the back, and you're wearing your hair up. This is just a recipe for disaster.
Me: It'll be fine. Nothing is showing that shouldn't be. And who's really going to be looking at me anyway, especially if I just pick a spot and stay there? (Walks into the sanctuary)
Anxiety Brain: Well it turns out that the first Sunday of the month is communion Sunday. Which means you'll have to get out of your spot. So you were saying?
Me: (Spends the entirety of worship trying not to feel super self-conscious and feeling guilty for being so distracted by feeling super self-conscious)
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Me: Hey, I think that's Person G.
Anxiety Brain: The assistant principal from one of your schools last year - the one that you really liked?
Me: Yeah, that one. I kind of love that she's one of the favorite school administrators that I've ever worked with and also happens to go to the new church that I like. Maybe I should catch her and say hi.
Anxiety Brain: You don't think that would be weird?
Me: No. I get the feeling she'd be excited to say hi. At least that's always how she responded when we managed to run into each other in the hallway at school the limited time that I worked in that building each week.
Anxiety Brain: But what if she asks how long that you've been attending here? Or if you're planning on staying? Because you aren't really planning on sticking around if you move. And do you really want to have to explain all that? Or the fact that you haven't really had a consistent church to attend prior to now?
Me: Maybe not. But I still think it might be fun to say hi.
Anxiety Brain: But you won't be able to say hi without having to answer all the other questions.
Me: That's probably true.
Anxiety Brain: And seeing as she and her husband just sat down not far from you, you should probably make sure to not look that direction just to be sure that she doesn't also see you and want to say hi.
Me: I'll listen to your logic for this week. But if I see her again next week, I'm going to say hi.
Anxiety Brain: I'll keep working on that for next week, then.
Me: We'll have to see about that. Lately when I make a determined choice to go against your advice, I usually win out.
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Anxiety Brain: You're really going to post this one?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Pretty sure Person T is going to actually hate you this time.
Me: I had that thought. That thought is why I almost didn't post it. Except remember back when I wrote that "I am a Duck" post and talked about how living with anxiety follows the duck metaphor - calm on the surface but paddling like crazy underneath to stay afloat - and that I needed to share both sides to stay sane. Person T is the one who responded, "Show us all the sides, we will swim with you." Last week you did a pretty good job of convincing me to not show the "paddling like crazy" side and I felt alone and isolated, and I'm done. I'm showing both sides.
Anxiety Brain: I don't think Person T knew what they were getting themselves into back then.
Me: Quite possibly. But for now I choose to trust that it's going to be okay.
Anxiety Brain: Because that turned out so well for you last week.
Me: Speaking of last week - browsing through my old posts to find the exact response to the "I am a Duck" post turned out to be useful in more ways than one.
Anxiety Brain: Really, now. How so?
Me: The invite wasn't a mistake.
Anxiety Brain: So you caught that one, huh?
Me: Wish I'd caught it again on Wednesday night when you first changed my mind again.
Anxiety Brain: Well, at least I got an extra 4 days out of that one.
Me: So I get to remember that as a good thing again?
Anxiety Brain: I suppose. I've got plenty of other ammo to work with from later in the week last week anyway.
Me: After what the last four days have been like, I'll take a win where I can get one.
(A while later)
Me: So, it turns out that Person T doesn't hate me after reading the post.
Anxiety Brain: Really? Because I was sure that this one would scare them off.
Me: Turns out not. Turns out there's still mostly just support and encouragement.
Anxiety Brain: I just don't understand how that happened.
Me: Frankly, I'm surprised myself. But also happy. And the most calm I've felt in a really, really long time.
Anxiety Brain: I have to re-think everything about my whole approach here now. I just don't understand how I could have been this level of wrong. I'm going to have to take some time to regroup. It's really back to the drawing board this time.
Me: Yeah, you go work. Take as much time as you need. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some uninterrupted time letting myself feel happy and relaxed for a while.
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Anxiety Brain: Person K just initiated a conversation with you.
Me: I know - weird, right?
Anxiety Brain: When's the last time that happened?
Me: Months. Pretty sure it's been months.
Anxiety Brain: Weren't we pretty sure they didn't like you anymore?
Me: I mean, I really don't know how much of that was you and how much of that was actual reality, but, yeah, we were pretty sure.
Anxiety Brain: I'm so confused.
Me: Same. Very confused. But also pleasantly surprised. This is going to make the next month or two much less awkward than the last few months have been.
Anxiety Brain: I'm just losing all sorts of battles today.
Me: It appears that way.
Anxiety Brain: I actually have to search out some new battlegrounds, don't I? I mean, these have been my two primary battlegrounds for a while now, and somehow I lost both of them in just a few hours' time.
Me: Go. Search. I'll just be over here actually being able to enjoy life for a little while.
Anxiety Brain: Today just is not my day...
Tuesday, July 3
Anxiety Brain: There are an unusually large number of oblivious people at the arena today.
Me: Yep. Not so much a fan. I mean, it's a holiday week, so we've probably got a lot of out of town fans, so I get it. But definitely still annoyed.
Anxiety Brain: They just have no concept of personal space, do they?
Me: Not that it's intentional - just that they're too lost and oblivious to notice that they're way too close to my personal bubble.
Anxiety Brain: You could scream at them.
Me: (Sarcastically) Because that would be effective.
Anxiety Brain: You could just start pushing people out of the way. That would be effective.
Me: Maybe if I was, like, 5, and even then it would still get me into trouble.
Anxiety Brain: I'm just saying, I don't urge you toward the "fight" side of fight-or-flight very often, but if there was ever a time for it, it would be now.
Me: No thanks.
Anxiety Brain: What are you going to do with all the built-up tension, then?
Me: Hold it in until I explode, hopefully in a more socially acceptable way.
Anxiety Brain: That doesn't sound any healthier than my suggestion.
Me: But it isn't going to get me ushered out by security, so I'll take my way.
Anxiety Brain: Just don't get mad at me when you inevitably snap at someone who doesn't deserve it later.
Me: (Sarcastically) You are so helpful...
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Anxiety Brain: Pretty sure you've thrown away about four garbage bags full of old, expired food at this point.
Me: It wasn't all mine. The Roommate threw stuff away, too.
Anxiety Brain: But most of it was yours.
Me: Fine, most of it was mine.
Anxiety Brain: Do you know how badly people would judge you if they knew how much food you waste?
Me: And constantly feeling guilty for wasting it is why it's four bags at once instead of gradually, like a normal person.
Anxiety Brain: Or you could, you know, just eat the food before it expires.
Me: Says the one who tries to convince me that I shouldn't eat when I'm stressed out because according to you choosing not to eat will help me believe that I actually have some sense of control over my life.
Anxiety Brain: Then stop buying food. It's not like you can afford groceries on a part-time salary anyway.
Me: I'm told that food is actually essential to live.
Anxiety Brain: Fine, buy it and be stressed out about money. And then feel guilty when you don't eat it. And guiltier about wasting it. But make sure that you don't share any of this with anyone because they're so going to judge you.
Me: And this is why it's taken me years to convince myself to clean out all the old food.
Anxiety Brain: Shouldn't you have actually made sure to dump the food and recycle the containers? You're the reason the environment is in so much danger, you know.
Me: And here comes the other argument that has kept me from this task so long...
Wednesday, July 4
Anxiety Brain: Wow, you've posted a lot this evening.
Me: Yeah... I didn't really mean to. I was doing so well the rest of the day.
Anxiety Brain: This is why people don't like you. You annoy them with over-posting on social media.
Me: Not sure that you're right on that one. Anyway, I blame this on the fact that I haven't had enough quality people time for a couple of days.
Anxiety Brain: And you wonder why you've not had enough people time this week? Because I really think that this over-posting issue is one of the root causes.
Me: Or because it's a holiday week, and since I tend to avoid holidays like the plague due to the overwhelming pressure to fulfil people's expectations for how to act on holidays, I have no plans when everyone else does.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, sure. And how are you going to feel tomorrow morning when you wake up and realize that no one cares about anything you posted tonight which is a clear sign that they don't want to be friends you anymore because of your over-posting?
Me: I could remember that they're doing holiday things rather than spending time on social media. And if I lose friends over something like this, are they really people I wanted to have as friends in the first place?
Anxiety Brain: Do you really want to have the "Are they really people you wanted to have as friends in the first place?" conversation right now? Because I can remind you that if you said that about all the people that you annoy on a regular basis, you'd lose basically all of your most-valued friends, if not all your friends period. Except maybe the people who are related to you, and even that's questionable in some cases.
Me: You're right. I don't want to have that conversation. That was a really poor choice of counter-arguments on my part. Let's go back to the over-posting argument instead because at least I might still manage to still sleep tonight after that one.
Anxiety Brain: So long as we're arguing, I'll take it. Now, about that last thing you posted...
Thursday, July 5
Anxiety Brain: You haven't packed enough today. Actually, you haven't packed enough in general.
Me: My brain feels too clogged to pack. Also, I've had at least one of the two roommates home basically the entirety of the last few days, and when they've been gone it's not been long enough for me to both get you to shut up about how the roommates are judging me and my packing ineptitude and then clear my brain well enough to feel like I can think straight enough to actually pack things in a way that's going to make sense and not drive me crazy in not knowing where things are through the whole moving process.
Anxiety Brain: You're still not getting enough done.
Me: I'm getting it done in my own time and at my own pace. I'm not going to spend 24/7 on the verge of a panic attack because I'm pushing myself too hard to get things done at a pace that I can't keep up with.
Anxiety Brain: That's what you said before the last move. And then on moving day you didn't have enough things packed and ready to go. And it was a disaster because not only did you not have a clue where anything wound up but everyone who came to help hated you for your completely inefficient moving process. Which resulted in-
Me: Oh, I remember the panic attack on the kitchen floor when I was supposed to be driving across town with everyone else. And the extra guilt and anxiety for not being more helpful to the people who came to help. You really don't need to remind me.
Anxiety Brain: I'm still pretty sure the only reason any of them are still speaking to you is because you were related to all of them.
Me: Yeah, I'm unfortunately still pretty convinced that you're right about that one.
Anxiety Brain: And none of them are going to help you with this move. I wouldn't bother asking.
Me: I mean I have newer friends that I could ask - if, you know, I get the nerve to say something instead of feeling like we haven't been friends long enough to ask them for help...
Anxiety Brain: Not to mention the time that you sat at a table with some of them and listened to them express their frustrations about that one time they helped someone with an unorganized move that sounded a whole lot like your last one.
Me: Trying so hard to forget that.
Anxiety Brain: If you're going to ask people for help, you really need to make sure that you don't have another move like that one.
Me: Oh, I'm well-aware. Or I've kind of half-considered just not asking for help.
Anxiety Brain: And do you want to explain that to Person N who's been telling you for a while now that you need to start asking people to help you move?
Me: Not really.
Anxiety Brain: Not that actually asking people is any better.
Me: I mean, to be honest, I have enough people that I want around at this point, I actually kind of want to ask for the moving help. I mean, I actually have some solid sets of people that I just want to share life with. And moving is a part of life, and I'd weirdly love for them to be part of it. Given, actually asking them is a whole different story...
Anxiety Brain: Because they might not actually like you enough to want to help.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: And even if they agree to help, they probably won't like you by the end of the moving day.
Me: Also, yep.
Anxiety Brain: Well you should probably start packing more, then.
Me: I know.
Anxiety Brain: But don't screw it up.
Me: I know.
Anxiety Brain: Then why aren't you doing anything?
Me: Because I just spent all the energy and time I had today arguing with you about how my packing and moving ineptitude is going to make people hate me.
Anxiety Brain: Well, we needed to have the conversation because, you know, the last time you moved...
Me: And here we go again.
Saturday, July 7
Me: This feels like a paralyzing anxiety kind of morning. Why are we having a paralyzing anxiety kind of morning?
Anxiety Brain: Well, first of all, you have to decide which people you want to hate you so you know who you're going to ask to help you move-
Me: Yeah, we are so not having that conversation again this week. I need a break.
Anxiety Brain: Then how about the fact that you have to write and send your first agenda as board secretary?
Me: Actually, I'm kind looking forward to working on that. I mean, I took on the secretary role, but this is the first time I've really had to do something. It's weirdly fun and exciting.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to screw it up.
Me: It's an agenda. How badly can I really screw it up?
Anxiety Brain: I don't know. It's not like we've done one of these before. But that's why you're clearly going to screw it up. Because you have no clue what you're doing.
Me: I'll figure it out. I'll compare it to previous ones. I'm sure it will be fine.
Anxiety Brain: You have to email people.
Me: But they're expecting me to email them these kinds of things. It's my job as secretary. This is not an intimidating email to send.
Anxiety Brain: Sure. And how many mental drafts have you written already?
Me: Probably half a dozen.
Anxiety Brain: And how many more do you intend to write before actually sending the email?
Me: At least half a dozen.
Anxiety Brain: You don't know what you're doing.
Me: Isn't half of being an adult having no clue what you're doing but trying your best anyway?
Anxiety Brain: You're going to screw it up.
Me: It'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: What if you miss someone on the email?
Me: That's why I'm creating an organization tool to make sure that doesn't happen.
Anxiety Brain: What if you miss someone you didn't know was supposed to get it? Or what if you send it to someone who wasn't supposed to get it?
Me: Well, things I don't know are honest mistakes. And there may be some growing pains the first couple of months, but that's probably part of the reason they shift board roles a year before the next show, so that people who are new have time for a learning curve. Also, it's sending out a meeting notice and agenda. How hard could it actually be?
Anxiety Brain: You're going to screw it up.
Me: It'll be fine.
Anxiety Brain: No it won't. You're going to screw it up.
Me: You know, how about instead of sitting hear listening to you, I actually get working on it? Because, seriously, this is something I can totally handle.
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