Week 3: May 27-June 2, 2018

Sunday, May 27

Anxiety Brain: So, you're really going to post a set of our conversations again?
Me: I mean, I started a blog which generally means continuing to add posts, so... Yeah, I'm going to post them again.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it's a good idea? When our conversations get repetitive, you don't come off in such a good light.
Me: Still posting it.
Anxiety Brain: I think your nerves are telling you that you shouldn't.
Me: I'm pretty sure that both my nerves and you are running off the Diet Coke that I thought I could handle today and is turning out to be a bad idea. Speaking of which, I should probably rethink that one, no matter how much I like the cool-flavored Diet Cokes.
Anxiety Brain: But I love the caffeine in the cool-flavored Diet Cokes. It keeps me so active and strong and-
Me: Yep, definitely need to rethink the Diet Coke.


Monday, May 28

Me: Oh, fun! An invite!
Anxiety Brain: I mean, are you sure you want to go?
Me: Well, one of my hopes for the summer was to be included in other people's lives, so this would be part of that.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure it wasn't a mistake?
Me: I guess I don't know. I don't think so...
Anxiety Brain: And even if it wasn't, wouldn't you just feel awkward and in the way the whole time?
Me: That's highly possible. That doesn't mean I shouldn't go.
Anxiety Brain: Well, I think you'd be better off if you didn't.
Me: Or, you know, I could face my fears which most mental health professionals would tell me is how I learn to stop listening to you.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't it be easier if you didn't?
Me: Easier is true. I'm well-aware that it would be easier. I'm trying to not remind myself that it would be easier. Even though easier feels like such a better option right now.
Anxiety Brain: Then again, if you don't go, you'll probably never get invited to anything again.
Me: See, you're not allowed to play both sides. It makes it impossible to figure out how to handle situations like this.
Anxiety Brain: But it's so much more fun for me that way!
Me: Yeah, well it's really not fun for me that way!
Anxiety Brain: Well, that's kind of the point.
Me: I really hate how you can take happy things and turn them into full days worth of worry.
Anxiety Brain: Glad to know I'm doing my job. And if I do really well, it'll last longer than today.
Me: (Keeps searching for a way to break the anxiety cycle)


Tuesday, May 29

Anxiety Brain: So in conclusion, by the end of the summer you're going to end up unemployed, living in you parents' basement, have no means of transportation, and that lump on your neck that you've spent the last 6 months being too afraid to call and make an appointment to have checked out is most definitely cancer, and you're about to be uninsured, so you're going to burn through the savings you do have and go bankrupt, plus you really won't get hired if you have a major medical issue, so you're definitely completely screwed.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't need the unexpected 90-minute commute to have to listen to you tell me all those things over, and over, and over again.
Anxiety Brain: Don't you love that every single one of those things is based in fact?
Me: Um - you did catch the Facebook meltdown, did you not?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah, speaking of that - you're definitely going to scare people off with that one.
Me: Maybe some - but not all. Definitely not all.
Anxiety Brain: You know, one of these days I'm going to figure out how to convince you to change your phone lock screen back to a dog picture so that you won't have something to use as a constant reminder that people still like you when you feel like crap.
Me: Yeah. Sure. You keep working on that. Meanwhile, I'm going to force myself to eat the food I brought up to my room because it probably shouldn't sit out unrefrigerated for too long, and I really don't feel like having to leave the safety of my room and likely run into my roommates in order to put the food back in the fridge.
Anxiety Brain: Pretty sure it doesn't count as food when it's day-old Triple Layer Nachos from Taco Bell.
Me: At least I'm eating something!
Anxiety Brain: Wait - why are you smiling? You're supposed to feel awful right now! No more bright sides today, remember? And now you're laughing?! Why on earth are you laughing?
Me: (While laughing) Because small bright sides. Also the Mountain Dew. It was my only portable cold beverage option, so it's what I grabbed when hoarding everything I'd need to shut myself in my room for the rest of the night. But Person E would be giving my so much crap right now. And Person F would either say something like "You do you!" or they'd join in with the giving me crap - I don't know, they've done both on separate occasions. And then remember that one time when I'd really only ever planned to order water, but then before I could order, Person E started giving me such a hard time that Person G insisted on ordering a Mountain Dew for me, and I accepted because I kind of needed the small dose of caffeine that day? And now it's this whole big thing that I'll never live down, but I've chosen to embrace it and will never look at Mountain Dew the same way again? And - oh my gosh, I did it again. I found the tiny bright sides. I spent half the drive home saying "I want to hit the reset button on today" and then I found the tiny bright sides without trying, and you know what? I feel better. Wait... Dang it! I don't like being wrong. They weren't supposed to be right! They weren't supposed to go and change me! Not like this, anyway! Darn them! I hate them all!
Anxiety Brain: Really? 'Cause that'd be really great news for me.
Me: Nope. Love them all. So much.
Anxiety Brain: Well, I can hope.
Me: Yeah, well you lose this one.
Anxiety Brain: I just lost to Taco Bell leftovers and a can of Mountain Dew? 90 straight minutes of fueling your every worst fear from the last few months, and you were ready to settle in for a night of hopelessness, and then I lost to soggy, cold, leftover nachos and a can of Mountain Dew? You have got to be kidding me!
Me: I mean, and some really good people, too, but yeah, pretty much.
Anxiety Brain: Man, this was going to be such a good night for me, too.
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Me: You know that group of friends that I've kind of felt distant from the last couple of months?
Anxiety Brain: Oh yeah. They're definitely done with you. You and your negativity, and being too anxious to make it to church, not to mention that big "I hate Easter" meltdown that you had on Easter morning. There's no way they're taking you back again.
Me: Yeah, I'm not so sure all of that distance was them. Pretty sure most of that distance was me letting you convince me that they didn't like me anymore and that isolating was less painful than giving them the opportunity to actually say so. That's on you. And partially on me. But mostly on you.
Anxiety Brain: I really don't think you're thinking this through clearly...
Me: Nope. I think I'm finally thinking it through clearly. You know what made me start distancing? A Facebook status. Not even one of theirs. Just a mutual friend's.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I remember - Person V's about being sick of all the Facebook venting and deciding to say "goodbye" to all those people. And that was right about the time you were spewing all your anxiety rants, so that status was definitely all about being sick of you. And that whole group of friends really respects what Person V has to say, so they definitely agree with Person V.
Me: See, that's all you saying that. You know when any of them ever said anything like that? Never.
Anxiety Brain: But what about that general request for people in the group to reconnect with God? I mean, after your Easter meltdown, that one was definitely directed at you.
Me: Technically it said to "stay connected or reconnect." And that message was sent to the whole group. Not just me. And I don't know what's going on in everyone else's lives because you convinced me a while before that that none of them liked me anymore. Plus, I mean, I kind of still want to get myself back to church. Not that I really know where I'm going to go, but I still want to get back.
Anxiety Brain: Well, too late now. Sorry about that - or not really sorry, actually, but you know what I mean. Either way it's all over. Especially now that you don't have a reason to see them on a regular basis this summer.
Me: Well, People W & X are hosting a social gathering in a couple of weeks, and I'll be there, and then I'll find other ways to get reconnected. That whole group? They're family. I'm not giving up on family just yet.
Anxiety Brain: You haven't talked to most any of them in months. You still haven't even texted Person Y back, and you're the one that texted Person Y in the first place. It's going to be awkward.
Me: Well, I'll keep working on being less flaky. Plus, look - Person Z just sent me a cute Winnie the Pooh illustration and conversation between Pooh and Piglet about how sometimes everyone feels "Not Very Okay At All," and how that's an okay and normal feeling, and that it's important to tell the people that care about you when you feel that way.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, yay! You're crying again!
Me: Happy tears. Because Person Z still cares. And I'm betting that means that the rest of them still care too.
Anxiety Brain: This was supposed to be such a good night for me...


Wednesday, May 30

Anxiety Brain: So you know all those people that you call "friends."
Me: Oh good. This one again. What do you have to say about them today?
Anxiety Brain: Well, I know that you mostly like to keep them around to annoy me-
Me: Or mostly because I enjoy their company - that fact that they annoy you is mostly a nice added bonus.
Anxiety Brain: Well, whatever your reason. Have you ever stopped to think about why on earth they like to keep you around?
Me: Not really...
Anxiety Brain: Because, seriously, I spend 24/7 with you, and it's no picnic. I mean, the only reason I stick around is because it's fun winning, and I win basically every fight we have. Are you sure that it's not just that they pity you and how depressing it is that you never beat me?
Me: Pretty sure that's not it.
Anxiety Brain: Or maybe it's just that they're tolerating your existence and looking forward to when you hit one of those stretches where you listen to me and isolate yourself from the rest of the world?
Me: No, I really don't think that's it either.
Anxiety Brain: Well if it's not tolerance or pity, why on earth would they want to keep you around?
Me: ...
Anxiety Brain: Have fun with that one for the rest of the day!
Me: You know, for the record, if I had a choice about keeping you around, you would have been gone about 22 years ago when you first decided to move in.
Anxiety Brain: But aren't glad you're stuck with me?
Me: You know, there are at least a few dozen other words that I would use, but "glad" is not one of them.
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Anxiety Brain: You know those teachers on the other side of your shared office space? They're definitely whispering about you.
Me: (Pauses to listen for a moment) No, I'm pretty sure they're not.
Anxiety Brain: Well, if they weren't before, they definitely are now because they could tell that you were eavesdropping.
Me: (Deap breath) Just two and a half more afternoons in this building. Just two and a half more afternoons...
(It's possible that this conversation repeated itself an embarrassing number of times throughout the afternoon...)
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Me: Oh, yay! Someone actually responded to the link! That means actual conversation might happen. I like actual conversation! That's how learning happens!
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid.
Me: But I have ideas and things to say. I mean, they're not really fully-formed ideas yet, but I have thoughts that I'd kind of like to share.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid, and they're going to lose all respect for you as a teacher.
Me: So... maybe I wait to see if a few other friends respond before I add my 2 cents?
Anxiety Brain: What if no one else responds?
Me: Then... I force myself to stop listening to you and just write what I think?
Anxiety Brain: You're going to sound stupid!
Me: You're an annoying level of frustrating right now
Anxiety Brain: Just doing my job!
Me: Yeah, yeah.
Anxiety Brain: It stopped you from saying anything
Me: Okay, fine. You did your job. You can just go away now.

Thursday, May 31

Anxiety Brain: You're negative. And you overshare. And everyone hates you.

Me: See, you know what sucks is that for the first time in about a week, I actually believe you. Dang it! Why the heck do I actually believe you?

Anxiety Brain: Because you've decided to give up your delusion that people will actually like you despite your flaws and are finally admitting that I was right.

Me: Or maybe because all the energy I've been using to deal with life stress the last few days had to be taken from the energy I've been using to combat you lately

Anxiety Brain: Either way, I managed to convince you to give up the delusion that people actually like you, and it was way easier than I thought. You should be ashamed for losing so easily.

Me: See, now you're just being cruel.

Anxiety Brain: You know what would make you feel way better? Checking social media every 3 minutes just to remind yourself that no one cares and no one likes you.

Me: Or you know, that other people have jobs and lives and end-of-school-year stress to deal with instead of spending all their time on Facebook...

Anxiety Brain: Then why do you keep checking your phone every few minutes and then feeling like crap when you see that I was right?

Me: Solid question, and something about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results definitely comes to mind.

Anxiety Brain: I mean, insane, delusional, worthy of being shunned. Whatever keeps you feeling worthless, hopeless, and isolated.

Me: You are so many levels of non-helpful today...

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Anxiety Brain: You know, your "friends" have this conspiracy going where they're only paying attention to your happy, positive posts so you'll stop raining on their parade with your depressing existence and will learn to keep all that darkness bottled up inside where no one else has to put up with it. It's this whole operant conditioning thing.
Me: I highly doubt that.

Anxiety Brain: Then why do you feel so anxious? And why are you considering just being fake happy on social media from now on?

Me: Because it's been a long day, and I am literally out of energy to fight you

Anxiety Brain: Any reinforcements on the horizon?

Me: Not looking like it.

Anxiety Brain: See. I told you. They're plotting against you. If they stop supporting you when you say you feel like crap, you'll stop saying anything when you feel like crap, and the world will be a better place without you and all your dark and twisty feelings.

Me: Wait...

Anxiety Brain: I don't like the sound of that...

Me: I changed my phone's lock screen for a reason.

Anxiety Brain: Again? I'm losing to that stupid screenshot you set to be your lock screen again? Seriously?

Me: Also really awesome people, but yep. This is the reason I put it there.

Anxiety Brain: See, it's just not fair that I have to keep fighting them on days they don't show up on their own.

Me: You want to talk about fair? Don't even get me started on all the things that you do that aren't fair.

Anxiety Brain: Fine, then. Back to the drawing board...


Friday, June 1

Me: So, remember how earlier this week you talked me into feeling the need to check my phone every few minutes and tried to convince me that every time I didn't have new notifications it meant that no one liked me anymore?
Anxiety Brain: Oh, yeah. That was a good day for me.
Me: Sure. Well, you know what's a really great way to break that cycle?
Anxiety Brain: Who do I have to fight this time?
Me: Pretty much everyone. Birthdays are really great for phone notifications. As in even when I feel the need to check my phone every few minutes, there's always a new notification. Or two or three. Or sometimes even more than that.
Anxiety Brain: So what are you going to do tomorrow when the notifications stop?
Me: I'll figure that out tomorrow. Today you have one less tool to use against me, and given that I woke up in an anxiety funk this morning, I'll take every win I can get today.
Anxiety Brain: But what about-
Me: Nope. Being continually reminded that people still care is literally what's getting me through the day right now, and you don't get to take that away.