Sunday, May 20
Anxiety Brain: So you're actually going to post this?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: I'm pretty sure you're the only one who finds these conversations humorous. I, for one, think that they simply highlight how pathetic you are.
Me: Well, I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Anxiety Brain: I mean, if you haven't lost friends yet, this is definitely going to be what does you in.
Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see
Anxiety Brain: No one's going to read it.
Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Anxiety Brain: Is that all you have to say today?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You still feel anxious!
Me: But I'm not letting you rule my life! Which means I win. Even if I do manage to make a fool of myself in the process
Anxiety Brain: See, you're still anxious!
Me: Yeah, yeah. What else is new?
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Anxiety Brain: Shoot! Person V wasn't actually supposed to read that.
Me: Yeah, you tend to be kind of screwed when they show up.
Anxiety Brain: But will they keep showing up?
Me: Were you paying attention at all?
Anxiety Brain: Just for that I'm going to fog up your brain so you don't know what to say in response.
Me: Sleep usually helps brain fog. At least a little bit.
Anxiety Brain: I'm also going to pull out all sorts of memories of past embarrassments for you to feel sick about.
Me: You totally suck.
Anxiety Brain: You totally asked for it!
Me: Well, even if I have to spent the rest of the day remembering past embarrassing moments, it was still so totally worth it. Now, if you don't mind, I have a few quotes to go add to my words of encouragement notebook.
Monday, May 21
Anxiety Brain: You know that response you got yesterday that means the world to you? I really think that you should re-think-
Me: Nope. You don't get to win this one.
Anxiety Brain: But-
Me: NO! You DON'T get to win this one.
Anxiety Brain: You really ought to listen-
Me: You. Absolutely. Do. Not. Get. To. Win. This. One.
Anxiety Brain: I'm still going to question it. And make you feel nauseous about it all day.
Me: Fine. But you still don't get to win. I don't care how long or hard I have to fight it. This one is too important to let you twist it into a weapon against me.
Anxiety Brain: Did you really put it somewhere where you could see it consistently? I mean, that just seems a little overdone.
Me: The fact that you're still arguing this is why I put it there. Because reminders are helpful when you refuse to shut up.
Anxiety Brain: I'm not going to give up.
Me: Well, thanks to that particular response, neither am I.
Tuesday, May 22
Anxiety Brain: Your computer had issues during your Google Hangouts PLC meeting again?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Really? Two weeks in a row?
Me: Annoying, isn't it.
Anxiety Brain: Except you didn't want to show up anyway.
Me: Well that's true. Two weeks of dodging condescension from that one teacher is a nice break, especially because we're now done meeting for the year.
Anxiety Brain: And that's why no one is going to believe that you had computer issues two weeks in a row.
Me: But I did!
Anxiety Brain: Doesn't matter. No one will believe you. You're going to get in trouble!
Me: I hate that I really don't have a way to fight that argument.
Anxiety Brain: I win!
Me: Yep...
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Anxiety Brain: That dress is too short to wear to school.
Me: And that's why there are leggings under it.
Anxiety Brain: Nope. Still too short.
Me: Plenty of other teachers wear just a long top with their leggings, and this dress is definitely longer than that.
Anxiety Brain: Yeah, well the administrators actually like them. You, on the other hand, couldn't even get an interview. You're going to get written up. And then you're really not going to get hired anywhere next year.
(After arriving at school)
Me: See, that teacher is wearing a shorter sweater with leggings, and no one has a problem with it!
Anxiety Brain: You're still going to get in trouble.
Me: (Spends the rest of the school day hoping that no one says anything about my shorter-dress-and-leggings outfit)
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Anxiety Brain: You seem really antsy. And nauseous.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: You're up to, what, like, half a dozen people you owe responses to now?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: Wait, some of those are people you actually want to respond to, aren't they?
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: They're going to think you're totally flaky.
Me:Quite possibly.
Anxiety Brain: You still don't know what to say in response, do you?
Me: And therein lies the problem.
Anxiety Brain: You know what's really good for clarity of thought? Panic attacks.
Me: Or we could not.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, come in, it's been almost a week. Aren't we way past due?
Me: (tries to ignore Anxiety Brain and pays attention to the dog instead) Hey, puppy dog! Come up on the couch! It's okay! I need a snuggle buddy.
Anxiety Brain: You know he's not supposed to be up there.
Me: I put a blanket up!
Anxiety Brain: Your roommates are going to get mad when they get home.
Me: You know how much I care after dealing with you all day? 0 much. I care 0 much.
Anxiety Brain: Then why are you still on the edge of having a panic attack despite snuggling with the dog?
Me: I hate you so much right now...
Anxiety Brain: I win!
Me: But guess what?
Anxiety Brain: What?
Me: My friends aren't going to ditch me.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, shut up!
Me: And that's why the words of encouragement got put somewhere that I generally see them on at least an hourly basis.
Wednesday, May 23
Anxiety Brain: You did this last week, too.
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: For all the same reasons
Me: Yep.
Anxiety Brain: That's pretty pitiful.
Me: Didn't need to to tell me that. I'm doing a good job of feeling that one all on my own.
Anxiety Brain: But isn't it so much more helpful to hear it from me, too?
Me: Helpful really isn't the word I'd use.
Anxiety Brain: Oh, I think I'm helpful, though. Which is why I also think that, given that you start teaching in about 2 minutes, now would be a really good time to have that good cry you've been holding in.
Me: (Gets really antsy) Just going to focus on breathing, now.
Thursday, May 24
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you're allowed to wear shorts today?
Me: They're making me stand outside in 90+ degree weather all day for Track & Field Day. I vote it's okay if I wear shorts.
Anxiety Brain: You're going to get in trouble.
(After I get to school)
Me: Hey, look! That teacher's wearing shorts. See, I'm fine.
Anxiety Brain: Well, male teachers can get away with it.
Me: What about that teacher? She's wearing shorts that don't even pass the fingertip rule.
Anxiety Brain: Well, fine. Just don't roll up your sleeves if you get too hot because that will definitely get you into trouble.
Me: And that other teacher already has her sleeves rolled up.
Anxiety Brain: Darn it! Other people aren't supposed to prove me wrong...
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Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to publish that post?
Me: But I like this one.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure, though?
Me: I'm never sure. But you're not going to be the one to stop me.
Anxiety Brain: One of these days, you're going to push too far with all your writing, and people are going to ditch you.
Me: Hasn't happened yet.
Anxiety Brain: But it's going to!
Me: You're still not stopping me!
(A few hours later)
Me: See, People L & M read it and liked it.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure People L & M aren't just pandering to your ridiculous need for attention at this point?
Me: I wish I didn't half believe you... (sees new notification) Oh my gosh, Person N read my post! I didn't realize that I was even on Person N's radar! I can't believe that Person N read my post! See, this is why I keep writing and posting.
Anxiety Brain: Well, that wasn't supposed to happen...
Friday, May 25
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure your friendship with Person Q is still a strong one?
Me: Pretty confident, yeah. Between teaching and mental health struggles, Person Q and I have a lot in common, more than I have with most friends
Anxiety Brain: But you didn't know how to carry on a conversation most of the time that you were there.
Me: Pretty sure that had more to do with the fact that I'm too exhausted to think straight than anything else
Anxiety Brain: You were too quiet and awkward. I don't think you have enough in common anymore.
Me: Um, Person Q and I both understand the value of therapeutic visits to the Humane Society to play with the puppies and kitties. Very few people understand that. I think our friendship is fine.
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure? I still think-
Me: Nope. Done. Going to go find something to distract the rest of my brain so I don't have to listen to you anymore.
Saturday, May 26
Anxiety Brain: Are you sure you want to make last-minute plans with Friend J?
Me: It's not totally last minute. That's why I said we should get together tomorrow or Monday instead of today. And I was hoping to not spend the entire weekend alone, so this is perfect.
Anxiety Brain: But that really screws up your weekend plans. I'm not sure it's such a good idea.
Me: My plans for laundry and a bike ride and movie-watching? Those can be shuffled around.
Anxiety Brain: But you know you'd be less stressed if you didn't shuffle them around.
Me: Well, the goal is to someday not be so stressed about making last-minute changes to plans, and this is a reasonable time to force myself to at least try.
Anxiety Brain: But wouldn't you like to spend the rest of the weekend with just me?
Me: And wanting to avoid spending more time with you than necessary is exactly the reason I'm going to say "yes" to get together with Friend J tomorrow.
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